I never was a definition of confined boundaries, bundles of
arguments I kept in the silent corners of my brain so that no one could hear. I
always knew it will take me more time than normal to reach even at the edge of
my destiny but I never knew how difficult it will be for me to hold myself
together to move onto the right path. Everywhere that I have been to, every
corner I have searched, every goal I have ever set, everything that I have ever
done; has left me in the pit of question marks.
Am I Doing Right?
Does everyone think this much? And thinks like me?
But all I heard was nothing. Nothing at all has ever been
said in return.
The black hole of my eye is darker than it can ever be. The
questions are still sitting on my shoulder, weighing them with their force of
reality.
What is my purpose? Why am I here? What am I Doing?
These are the only words my brain seems to never escape,
even though I’d never admit but I chant them too. It feels like I have this gateway
to enter the territory of ‘peace’ which demands these answers. Not only has
that broken my heart but also the loneliness given by human beings, that
constant need of isolation which offcourse seems like a paradox here and the
longing of love.
All those dozens of relationships I packed in vain have just
given me pain; the feeling of being a lover of no one existing is sometimes
almost unbearable. But I am strong! Atleast I can pretend I am. Atleast my intelligence
is still with me to help me with my futile acting.
The child in me has never been a child, even if it has been
in moments; it was never free. I believe I am a born lover except my love was
killed long ago by the mother I am born to. I do not mind that anymore except
that I no longer have the audacity to fall in love or to appreciate love.
It’s not that I do not make any efforts; it is all that I fail
terribly and destroy my image by being arrogantly desperate in my own eyes. I
am making this constant psychological pattern of failing in getting the desirable,
but after every failed weapon all I am left with my miserably beaten patience.
This has become a fucking game of life, I have no justified reason to give to
myself that why I am doing everything and why has everything that I do not
desire has happened to me. I am done with all the equations and explanations
people and family throws at me, I don’t want to listen anything anymore, I do
not want any fruitless story, I want answers and love. And I will then, within
my crafted zone, find Peace!
