It's worsening!

There are wires circled around my neck

I thought of learning wisdom but it’s desecrate for my every breathe,

I see myself numb in salvation

Even book on the name of Christ causing mortification!

That day I’d hold a pen and wrote my brain

I thought am so young but good in this game’

With charm on my face, heart on race, and in hopes of grace

I moved to grab it, grab it all but I was filled with disgrace!

I tried! I turned back but again I tried, until I hated it to death

I was helpless, helpless for my shadow and helpless to death,

I was running in the race I have had lost so many times

I still face the shit of losing it with disgusting minds!

But what should I do? I’d have no answer to speak

Challenge is my life, I accepted though I was so weak,

Blue ink, red blood, black mind, and I am losing it

The faith in me, the grace in me, and I don’t know if I can win it!

I was interested, interested with all of my heart

That bullshit you did teach me, now I swallow it hard,

I wrote so much, so much on paper but it turned into none

I wrote again with no use of brain and you called it number one!

I don’t know how long I can take it on soul

Each drop of blood staring me as if I got no goal,

But how can I stand in dark when I am born for light

I don’t know what will happen in life but I just know it’s bright!

you're my sweetest pain!

You have something strange in you or it’s me who is strange?

Millions of years after; I still fight you to change

I love the way you love me but I hate the way you hate

We’ll create history one day my love, if that’s written in my fate,

I cannot face the face who loves you more; neither can I when you do

You are the drop of water in the desolate desert and I won’t share you even if you’ll ask me to

I sit next to you on the bench of that haunted park

I know you’re petrified, that’s why I stand next to your eyes when the horror barks,

I might yell in public or I behave mad to you

But I never figured out why I feel hurt, when I kick you in blue

I know you know me more than I know myself

But can you tell me why I hate you when it is not rooted in thyself?

I know you feel protective when I like other friends

But amore you are the only one for whom I can die young not friends

You are the one whom I have hated daily but never more than I’d loved

This tale will never end and I can bet my life for this my beloved,

I am irate onto you because I care

Don’t behave with me that you were unaware

I wish I could hug you for long and with eyes onto you

But I donno if it’s possible, cause this is something outlandish in us two..!

Belle Dame!

On the land of an infinite fairy tales

She was born on flowers with cheeks so pale,

Years and months and hours are gone

'cause of the sad summer her grace is gone,

The beauty of my queen been admired more than rain

Her body and soul are made for love not for bloody pain,

She is a house of love but made up of sand

You can think of anything but cannot change her with your changing demand,

Brown of her eyes had been so desolate

Bold is her mind but heart still so delicate,

Coiled and long her hairs are bound with myrtle leaves

Green go fade if she cries with a song and sleeps,

Forgetting every fear the birds fly high in the sky

If my lady with a gentle look passeth by,

Falling water from a beautiful hill is no more in race

When her hand slipped in mine to travel life with smiling face,

“Stars are just some stolen lights,

Birth of hers has made earth bright!”

Black lie!

The sun was shine of death for her… she never tried to face the sky, epoch was the adversary that kept on passeth by… mirror she hated as she wanted to live with a lie.

Dead beat pale skin of hers, white ugly flesh… green aged eyes with no picture to blush. Torn lips burned with cigarettes… but that smile is still beautiful like her old secrets. Hideous grey dress her body kept wearing… day after day she suffered death that there will be no more suffering.

Breathing under wood with no more hopes of good… that rage was intolerable when she burned the holy books. She was living with the pieces of her little peace… admiring her beauty which was no more than lifeless leaves.  The eternal wait of salvation was terrible… she wanted to sleep for forever that she wasn’t able.

Life was the picture of a dull sky… night when she sleeps and sun when she cries. Dark gave her relief when she doesn’t need to crave… light was the misfortune, proves her no more brave.  She stood under moon hoping she will shine… but miserable it looked when she faces the reality in no time. But she was beautiful in her own; this might be the wrong time… and told the stars that you were never really mine.

The white beautiful dress she praised daily… in hope of wearing again at the church with her love Bily.  “Kate you look so beautiful” words she haven’t heard from ages… cried she on the grave giving flowers of roses.

Plants were dead, her garden was black… books were her passion, now houses for spider webs. Air was stale of her room full of bareness…she was the only one who still loves it with madness.

One day she cried, realization after years… mirror was the crime, for which she always had fears. She was the beauty queen, she dreamed that night… making millions mad, only for her one sight. She slept with the peace, which was never there… she ends on her beloved bed, which was gifted by the mayor.  

Sun is no more death for her grave… she now smiles and show she is brave

ANON!

You! I told you not to come again

Holding me high and making me insane;

I told you never tell me if you’re alive

Appearing in my dreams and fighting evil with knife.

Shine of the holy light is pain for my soul

You’re worst when you’re with me, drilling me like a hole;

I think I have made myself clear when I told you to go away

Still calling me like a retard and screaming that you’ll always stay.

I am standing naked in the crowd

What you want from me and what are you talking about? ;

Well! I know you been there for long

But murders are common you have to be strong.

You are scary, scary as hell

People raped you, now cut your veins somewhere else;

This devil in me is stronger and bigger than you

I don’t want you to wait till eternity, craving in blue.

You’re not an beautiful moon neither any shining star

My shadow is going through hell in this blind war;

Blood on my arms, can you see it?

‘Cause you were with me, so don’t be it.

I am tired of this psychedelic game

I don’t even want to call you; I hate your name;

I am not same in every mirror of life

I begged you to kill yourself LOVE or else am going to kill you with my grey knife. 

Why?

Stare was blocked to that bright orange pillow; it reminds me of the early days… how irritating that game was… when you splash orange peels in someone’s eyes… how easy it was to laugh that time… how easy it was to be careless. It seems like it haven’t changed… it seems like it was always the same, as sun still rises yellow n bright and sets with no change; but no! The picture has moved on … it was the beginning and now a long race toward end.

Every skin hold some marks of childhood; I remember my falls… I remember blue was my favorite ball. I remember how fearlessly I was riding my bicycle with friends and falls onto the gutter… so easy it was to cry that time… I remember how funny it was for others but never for a mother.

Playing in sand was one of the favorite games… falling in dirt and laughing like you hold the sky… nothing there was to feel shy.

That bond of friendship was soul to life… friendship was just from heart with no selfish lie... how easy it was to be selfless for friends… that ego never kicked on face when friend was angry… so easy it was to hug n apologies… so easy.

The truth was never so hard to follow… because morals were so pure not just for the sake to follow. To lie in front of those dangerous eyes of father was hard enough to swallow.  Time never was your master… plays on local street were endless until the mother calls.

Money was nothing more than a thing to buy candies… pennies were even huge asset… rich you felt with a piggy bank in hand. Your world was so polite and beautiful without any cruelty.

First love were dad n mom, no other bullshit… you followed them holding hands with full of bliss. The most serious worry was to find the pair of socks in morning; finding your lost books n copies.

Why every breath gives pain now? Why we were so genuine n so innocent at that part of life… and why can’t we be now? Why time has to move us here and world has to kill us there? Why your soul is just a mere breathing object and life is running on the traits of selfish animals. Why can’t you be friends with people like you did before? Why hiding everything from family is the only choice?

Why you are so mean to world and world is so mean to you?

SHE

That stone falls into the gutter, it’s funny when you feel sad that you have lost the thing you were playing all way… but she crossed the traffic and turned to left boulevard… walking under the damp sky, she gained back the memories of her dreams which constantly strokes out her heart. ‘A girl in white dress lying on white bed in white room…sleeping with pleasant face; a guy came slowly to her when she was deeply inhaling.. he jumped on her.. She screamed terribly like she never sensed anything like this in life.. She fought for life but she felt herself dying when he tore her down and humped her like animal.. sheet turned red between her legs.. he banged her and her face.. he left after making love with dead lady. They both appeared in that room again after they were lifeless; she realized they were dead… She screamed and felt appalled and found herself on the same bed with both of them standing in front of her.. She tremble and open her eyes’.. it was nothing more than delusion that left her in sweat..
This was not the only one that horrified her but she was suffering daily from those mind-numbing sensations, dreams and images. She came back to senses when she heard a loud horn from backside and she realizes she was in middle of the road. She gives him side and move again.
She don’t really know what she feel about all the sensations but she just never wanted to be scared of anything.. time passes and after many phrases of life she starting feeling alone..  She was whole lot into her novels and normal routine which she never enjoyed in life but it doesn’t seems to bother her now. She daily saw dreams, felt sensations, discussed it with few people but never did anything for salvage.
Time passed the same way for long and she started thinking that she has never thought enough of what she is doing in life… leaving people aside whom she always loved more than her, though it’s unethical for her to do that, and she know it was wrong but she did nothing for it and it didn’t even bothered her. Her typical daily routine wasn’t normal but it always does sound normal to her.
She realized a distance she'd made between her and her loved ones. She cried in pain but never consciously realized how much damage has been done. It wasn’t only about dreaming tragic but facing it subconsciously that she was becoming numb and insane day after day. That long stare on wall and finding nothing and behaving normal wasn’t normal enough to never come under people’s observation.
She slowly tried to cope up with the moving world. Somewhere missing her best friend but never tried to tell her how much she loved her, she was just confused of her own feelings of how to live a life. But she gained a bit strength and talked to her and told how much alone she feel and how much she is suffering from normal human tendency of jealousy when her only love is happy with others. Her friend laughed but she knew she was serious. They both cried without facing each other but precisely realizing the distance they had made between them but did nothing. She was under bulk of strange feelings about what she has to do with herself exactly but the thought process give her nothing.
She reaches home and smile when she remember those big trees at roadside.. they always give her smile.