ME and I

Am I a winner or a loser…? I can witness no calm in me but I have seen them crying…  In this game of love and shame I am so tired that I can’t even sense it. I am benevolent for them but I keen to see them crying… my mind is the master and I chase the devil with grace… he will kill you before you try to make him puny…  don’t try to recognize this fire… you’ll be surrounded by flames… respect him and you can reside.

I sing love songs, I hold your hand, I kiss your lips and thus your neck… I tell you I am devil… I will smash you into dark… I’ll lock you in a room and beat you to hell but don’t leave me… maybe this is how I am or maybe I want to show you my history of where I have been… maybe I want you to smell my walls of blood… maybe I want you to hear my screams inherited in the floor... i'll might tie you in that old black chair with a chain but don’t just leave… I want to give you a chance to know who I am… maybe I’ll show you everything I had… maybe I’ll show you I didn’t choose me. Don’t just leave me. 

My devil threaten me all through this… he commands me to kill you before you throw a knife, but I believe you… I believe that you won’t… he throws fire on me and make me numb… he torture me so that I won’t feel anything… but I don’t know why I feel he is always precise, I don’t know why I feel defensible  in being miserable… for being stuck… maybe he loves me… he can’t see me pathetically weak… I owe him everything… he atleast love me… my devil in me.

I know a woman… I like her smell… she smells like me or maybe I smell like her… she know me from the ages of darkness… she was there always but never near… maybe she wasn’t faulty… maybe she wasn’t late or maybe I was in hurry to see how sunset break… she forgot to tell me what to be and I became what I had to be later she told me what I should be but I was grown enough to turn back and be. I hate her devil and she hates mine… when she love me… she leaves me desolated and when she doesn’t she leaves me the same. I don’t know what is wrong and what is right between us… I just know I can’t leave her neither she can leave me.  

I am devillious and live alone but I am happy because I don’t know how not to be… my master teach me well. He is really hard on me… he beats me… he is all cruel on me but he never leaves my side… he know what I want or maybe he doesn’t…. maybe he is just stuck being a devil… but when he holds my hand and walk with me… I feel tough and that’s what he wants from me… I may have lost every game but I have won respect.

                

FREEDOM OVER PEACE!

Wake up half dead, spill some water, put on the make up                            

Run like a crab, doesn't like the sun, little bit shake up

Waste some hours, place to learn, smoke some weed

Hate, run behind crowd, veins rip open and bleed!                  

Doesn't like the mirror, terrible old scars, haunting past

Love someone; feel like a heartless monster, it won’t last

Crave it, ask for it, cry for it, get it, and then leave it

Alone again, nudity sexless, cut blood, quit!

Walk on road, crush old leaves, they are dead

You will be, be benevolent on soul and bury your old thread

Nothing lasts, don’t worry, nothing ever will

You deserve prominence, don’t crave, but you will!

Bold you fight, bright as light, sharp as knife

But live in dark, lonesome never spark, live dual life

Give love, give respect, patience test, and get nothing

Calm down, life rules, patience test, karma care for cunning!

Run, you run faster, to escape happiness

Wait, taste it, you will like it, but you are full of madness

Pray to birds, because they fly free, fall on knees

Hold your lovers hand and opt FREEDOM OVER PEACE!

Silent!

You wander with the blindness when the moon light isn’t enough… you can turn on the yellow bulb but you prefer the dark… you are frightened by the truth but you know that you have to see it… you walk in grief and then stand at the corner with smoke in your hand… you feel the drag deep within your chest, and then see it getting vanished in the deep blue sky… stars are beautiful… they leave you wondering about the lost stars of your life… and you feel indifferent with your own self.  You always favored not to wrap up anything and left things with partial thoughts… because that’s easy… decisions are complex.  Those never spoken words are so intense for your chest that you throw them aside and surrender in front of your shadow and become unsympathetic. But in the end of all you decide to do nothing and sit down silent.

When reality is so hard to take and imaginations are very fake… when happiness is only drugs and music… when craving for love becomes the oldest pain… when things are wrong and worst is yet to greet… when you can taste the bitterness on your tongue and you feel pain in your heart but tell no one… when sleep is no more your friend and pain of friendship doesn’t let you sleep… in the end of all you decide to do nothing and sit down silent.     

You see burned ropes that were once there to tied up your life together. You feel deadened and miss your old person who now lives in pieces…  who is now conscious of his unconsciousness and do nothing… He wish to change but cannot help being immutable. Out of the blue he laughs on God… how easy it is blame him, how easy it is to deny his whole existence, how easy it is to even laugh on him but then you laugh on yourself… how easily you escape yourself, how easy it was to fall and crawl and then give up, how easy it was for you to lose everything you were holding on from decades, how easy it was to be None… how easy it was to be soulless. But in the end of all you decide to do nothing and sit down silent.

You Foolish moral!

Don’t walk away… there is so much left to watch… the world is burning by the fire of your spirit… there is this soulless shine everywhere, sharp-edged light crossing through your eye balls and you are sitting in the dark… you are not fighting it, you are not ready but yes so confused… evils call your name… they are searching for you… they call your name so they can feed you again… with raw meat and mournful hopelessness. But god is not your savoir  he failed you every time you called him for the sake of your virtuous human… all you heard was his laugh… he mock on your face and tells you the truth about your illusionary reality. You failed to assume everything… you thought it’s painless to live…you were the fool when you didn’t understand the wicked smiles… you were the whore of innocence when you didn’t ripped your clothes off… you were the foolish of all when you didn’t notice when they sucked your blood in the name of love… why you did close your eyes on their faults… why you wonder? Why you cry? Why you cannot sleep and still wonders why? You are the foolish heart. You expected the peace of mind but you don’t know the way because you have always chosen wrong… you stupid heart! You never did learn how to see… you never believed your evil… He was always right… if this is what love gave you; you should burn under his feet… how much you will wait for good? How much you will to crave?  Don’t you remember when you laughed on fate? You moral creature! Who desire you? What world ever gave you? And what do you think you ever gave the world… you thought love is what they all need… you remember they laughed on your sins and cut out your tongue and now you got nothing to say. They tempt you to stay silent but you screamed… you desired the light of Holy Spirit on your soul for all that you have done… but they left you like a lonesome dead soul who craves for flames of salvation. You wished to dance like a colorful flower with partial rays of sun on it… but you forgot about the evil human who plucked you for no reason.

But don’t try to escape… this world won’t let you do that too… don’t try to walk away… there is so much left to watch…! 

Achilles' heel!

 I fear from the fear of falling

Nobody can envision that I feel like crawling

I wait for long all nights to be asleep

‘Cause that’s when the haunt never weeps,

You met my monster that night on bed

When I was hungry for more and your blood was red

I desired you never but what else was left

I will pour your blood on devil’s head,

That dream was scary and I had no where left to go

I come back home where I never wanted to grow

The love they loved me never was my love

I never wanted to feel the Mourning dove,

My Deity died when he tried for me

Scars of sickness killed every piece of peace in me

To look good naked I pet perfection

I don’t want anyone to think even of rejection,

I feel pleased under the blanket of horror

What else can be the safest corner?

You name ‘love’ and I will show you how to escape

Because love always endures brutal rape…!

tail

In my tail stands a fire
to burn the urge of the valleys down south
to soothe the never ending itch 
Of Venus and her stacked maidens 
this pistol loaded to raise the entire consciousness
their minds
and yet the trigger is my eyes.

A studdy oak tree stands erect
On a fertile black land
Its stem turgid with sap in expectation of April.
Good-bye March.
With you came the thirst for the waters down south.

With your touch my veins are now bloody full

A serpent puffing amidst the shrubs
Possessed with the strength of a steed
Knodding in earnest on its return hole-ward.

Oh if ever the maidens of Helen did bruise thy heels,
today they thee embrace
to enumerate your sweetness and wonder
For with thee they are being loved and re-loved
And without thee, these maidens like petals wilt.

So i will take forth my splendour
crafted in love, fear and lust
For within the south , deep in the vallies 
It is April yesterday and the flowers 
Need tendering to bear fruits from the potion in my wand.

 (byAkuinor Gameli Cosi)

I don't really hate police!

I am aware of the fact that hatred for Indian police or police from everywhere is so damn high and at some level it is right. They are somewhat a part of corruption, they surely are egocentric about their own wealth, they could have done so much better for people than they do, they are wrong at many more levels. They are immoral but so are human beings. But we certainly forget this point when we blame them for everything that they are humans.

I am not denying it that people suffer a lot and their fault is that they don’t have authorities and when they get no help from people with power, they feel dreadful. But what we should also see is… that neither all humans are bad, neither lawyers, neither doctors, neither Police man.

It is easy to blame them, ‘because we have tendency to put the blame on someone… so be it god, fate, luck, police, or anything. What we don’t see is the other consequences of their life. We have all heard of this proverb “Every coin has two sides” but do we apply it, no.

They work numerous hours to serve us because they have to, they never have holidays like us, no Diwali no Holi, they don’t enjoy rain like us because they have to work under it for hours, they can’t blame sun, they can’t blame mood, people get drunk and commit crimes but we blame police, what we forget is that they are not god… they obviously can’t keep eye on every corner.  They are working under government; they cannot desire to take actions on their own. Yes they are wrong in some cases but not every time.  We all have propensity that we cannot work properly if we are upset or mentally irritated but police always works with criminals. Brutality, crime, corruption, fights, dead bodies- they always deal with this without any stress relieving facility but who can they blame…!

I have read an article this morning in newspaper which is an interview of a police man. Who says that”they don’t have shift system. They work for 12 hours constant and might still receive an urgent call which they can’t ignore. The control room services receive more than 24000 calls a day. Out of them 70% calls are not their concern like dogs, monkeys, electric or water supply and many more. They don’t have proper facilities or wealth to investigate a case; they don’t get vehicles to reach to the spot because there are 15-20 cops in each station with only 4 or 5 vehicles. Many of times their stations are placed terribly without minimum facilities like water, food and hygiene”.

In this corrupted society even kids are corrupted then why to blame on police only. We all are part of it. What wrong is “the system”.  We feel happy when we break rules and pay 100 rupees and go on. We never tell them that they are wrong; they should put us in the jail. But we cry loud when this wrong turns into disaster and hit us back.

We all know wrong is beneath us!!