Us khidki se..

Us khidki se dhoop aya karti thi, aaj bhi aati hai par ab chubhti hai.. raat ko soye the chadar se lipat k, socha tha k naya sawera milega… jab aankhe khuli to paya vahi kaali raat hai abhi… na janne kya dekha tha un aankon ne, bheegi hui thi halki si.. us chaand ko dekha to kuch keh raha tha.. uski vo roshni kuch kehna chahti thi.. jese bta rahi ho ki har raat me ek roshni hoti hai.. har zindagi me khushi hoti hai. Tum chaho to bas raat hi samjho.. magar  tum chaho to roshni bhi dikhegi.., har karvat ek ehsaas dila rahi thi,.. jese sab kuch aata jata rahega safar me fir dheere dheere gehri neend bhi aaegi. Takiya naram tha.. sukoon sa mil raha tha.. jese vo raat itani lambi hojae ki sukoon na jaee… ankhon me ek yaad dabbi thi,, hoth bhi to muskura rahe the… shayad mann dheere dheere shaant horaha tha.. waqt guzra or ehsaas sa hua ki jese gehre paani me kho gae ho.. itana gehra ki mann vapis nahi ana chahta ho.. vahi doob jae bas us sukoon me..!!

Cogito!

When you sit beneath a shady yellow light with a book in your hands and thinking about the story it tells you… have you ever though how lucky free man you are who taste different worlds sitting at one place with so many determinations to create own world one day.  So full of enthusiasm but lying on floor purely thinking and staring things like a fool. Watching ants passing with food and saying hi to every ant they meet on their way… seems so very interesting. I wonder sometimes where they are going… they come from nowhere and end up nowhere. But that’s how it works… people also come from nowhere and meet us, say hi… drag stones of life with us… some drag them for long time whereas some for short. Some perhaps fall in gutter in-between because they disappear like they were never there.

It’s quite fascinating how we get excited about a great movie but never wonder how our own life is a movie itself since childhood to end… isn't it the longest movie? And the most interesting?

 I wonder how stupid I was as kid… and how stupid we think our young ones is now… that’s why our parents laugh on us… when we tell them we are mature enough.  I guess we are never grown till the day we die. We are a character who is born to learn and grow daily.

I wonder sometimes… that everybody is an artist in himself. Everyone sketches stuff on books, some on desks they sit, some on sand, and some just imagine clouds or walls as figures. Everybody stare their favorite food like a dog… everybody dance In front of mirror and think they are the best… everybody is suffering with some kind of psychological madness, everybody is trying to prove his existence worth something.. Aren't we all the same? I guess we are! We just come from different places.

We are all running… we all are… sometimes we know where to run but mostly we don’t. We run with all our abilities like an ant to show that we got something and we’ll do something bigger than we have ever done. We’ll carry food heavier than our own weigh and we’ll try not to die under it. We have started running with the crowd… but we’ll end up reaching our own destination.

I wonder sometimes that everybody if doesn't do everything I do; for sure wonder like me. Because this is how it works. We all pause to wonder and stand rapt in awe.

ME and I

Am I a winner or a loser…? I can witness no calm in me but I have seen them crying…  In this game of love and shame I am so tired that I can’t even sense it. I am benevolent for them but I keen to see them crying… my mind is the master and I chase the devil with grace… he will kill you before you try to make him puny…  don’t try to recognize this fire… you’ll be surrounded by flames… respect him and you can reside.

I sing love songs, I hold your hand, I kiss your lips and thus your neck… I tell you I am devil… I will smash you into dark… I’ll lock you in a room and beat you to hell but don’t leave me… maybe this is how I am or maybe I want to show you my history of where I have been… maybe I want you to smell my walls of blood… maybe I want you to hear my screams inherited in the floor... i'll might tie you in that old black chair with a chain but don’t just leave… I want to give you a chance to know who I am… maybe I’ll show you everything I had… maybe I’ll show you I didn’t choose me. Don’t just leave me. 

My devil threaten me all through this… he commands me to kill you before you throw a knife, but I believe you… I believe that you won’t… he throws fire on me and make me numb… he torture me so that I won’t feel anything… but I don’t know why I feel he is always precise, I don’t know why I feel defensible  in being miserable… for being stuck… maybe he loves me… he can’t see me pathetically weak… I owe him everything… he atleast love me… my devil in me.

I know a woman… I like her smell… she smells like me or maybe I smell like her… she know me from the ages of darkness… she was there always but never near… maybe she wasn’t faulty… maybe she wasn’t late or maybe I was in hurry to see how sunset break… she forgot to tell me what to be and I became what I had to be later she told me what I should be but I was grown enough to turn back and be. I hate her devil and she hates mine… when she love me… she leaves me desolated and when she doesn’t she leaves me the same. I don’t know what is wrong and what is right between us… I just know I can’t leave her neither she can leave me.  

I am devillious and live alone but I am happy because I don’t know how not to be… my master teach me well. He is really hard on me… he beats me… he is all cruel on me but he never leaves my side… he know what I want or maybe he doesn’t…. maybe he is just stuck being a devil… but when he holds my hand and walk with me… I feel tough and that’s what he wants from me… I may have lost every game but I have won respect.

                

FREEDOM OVER PEACE!

Wake up half dead, spill some water, put on the make up                            

Run like a crab, doesn't like the sun, little bit shake up

Waste some hours, place to learn, smoke some weed

Hate, run behind crowd, veins rip open and bleed!                  

Doesn't like the mirror, terrible old scars, haunting past

Love someone; feel like a heartless monster, it won’t last

Crave it, ask for it, cry for it, get it, and then leave it

Alone again, nudity sexless, cut blood, quit!

Walk on road, crush old leaves, they are dead

You will be, be benevolent on soul and bury your old thread

Nothing lasts, don’t worry, nothing ever will

You deserve prominence, don’t crave, but you will!

Bold you fight, bright as light, sharp as knife

But live in dark, lonesome never spark, live dual life

Give love, give respect, patience test, and get nothing

Calm down, life rules, patience test, karma care for cunning!

Run, you run faster, to escape happiness

Wait, taste it, you will like it, but you are full of madness

Pray to birds, because they fly free, fall on knees

Hold your lovers hand and opt FREEDOM OVER PEACE!

Silent!

You wander with the blindness when the moon light isn’t enough… you can turn on the yellow bulb but you prefer the dark… you are frightened by the truth but you know that you have to see it… you walk in grief and then stand at the corner with smoke in your hand… you feel the drag deep within your chest, and then see it getting vanished in the deep blue sky… stars are beautiful… they leave you wondering about the lost stars of your life… and you feel indifferent with your own self.  You always favored not to wrap up anything and left things with partial thoughts… because that’s easy… decisions are complex.  Those never spoken words are so intense for your chest that you throw them aside and surrender in front of your shadow and become unsympathetic. But in the end of all you decide to do nothing and sit down silent.

When reality is so hard to take and imaginations are very fake… when happiness is only drugs and music… when craving for love becomes the oldest pain… when things are wrong and worst is yet to greet… when you can taste the bitterness on your tongue and you feel pain in your heart but tell no one… when sleep is no more your friend and pain of friendship doesn’t let you sleep… in the end of all you decide to do nothing and sit down silent.     

You see burned ropes that were once there to tied up your life together. You feel deadened and miss your old person who now lives in pieces…  who is now conscious of his unconsciousness and do nothing… He wish to change but cannot help being immutable. Out of the blue he laughs on God… how easy it is blame him, how easy it is to deny his whole existence, how easy it is to even laugh on him but then you laugh on yourself… how easily you escape yourself, how easy it was to fall and crawl and then give up, how easy it was for you to lose everything you were holding on from decades, how easy it was to be None… how easy it was to be soulless. But in the end of all you decide to do nothing and sit down silent.

You Foolish moral!

Don’t walk away… there is so much left to watch… the world is burning by the fire of your spirit… there is this soulless shine everywhere, sharp-edged light crossing through your eye balls and you are sitting in the dark… you are not fighting it, you are not ready but yes so confused… evils call your name… they are searching for you… they call your name so they can feed you again… with raw meat and mournful hopelessness. But god is not your savoir  he failed you every time you called him for the sake of your virtuous human… all you heard was his laugh… he mock on your face and tells you the truth about your illusionary reality. You failed to assume everything… you thought it’s painless to live…you were the fool when you didn’t understand the wicked smiles… you were the whore of innocence when you didn’t ripped your clothes off… you were the foolish of all when you didn’t notice when they sucked your blood in the name of love… why you did close your eyes on their faults… why you wonder? Why you cry? Why you cannot sleep and still wonders why? You are the foolish heart. You expected the peace of mind but you don’t know the way because you have always chosen wrong… you stupid heart! You never did learn how to see… you never believed your evil… He was always right… if this is what love gave you; you should burn under his feet… how much you will wait for good? How much you will to crave?  Don’t you remember when you laughed on fate? You moral creature! Who desire you? What world ever gave you? And what do you think you ever gave the world… you thought love is what they all need… you remember they laughed on your sins and cut out your tongue and now you got nothing to say. They tempt you to stay silent but you screamed… you desired the light of Holy Spirit on your soul for all that you have done… but they left you like a lonesome dead soul who craves for flames of salvation. You wished to dance like a colorful flower with partial rays of sun on it… but you forgot about the evil human who plucked you for no reason.

But don’t try to escape… this world won’t let you do that too… don’t try to walk away… there is so much left to watch…! 

Achilles' heel!

 I fear from the fear of falling

Nobody can envision that I feel like crawling

I wait for long all nights to be asleep

‘Cause that’s when the haunt never weeps,

You met my monster that night on bed

When I was hungry for more and your blood was red

I desired you never but what else was left

I will pour your blood on devil’s head,

That dream was scary and I had no where left to go

I come back home where I never wanted to grow

The love they loved me never was my love

I never wanted to feel the Mourning dove,

My Deity died when he tried for me

Scars of sickness killed every piece of peace in me

To look good naked I pet perfection

I don’t want anyone to think even of rejection,

I feel pleased under the blanket of horror

What else can be the safest corner?

You name ‘love’ and I will show you how to escape

Because love always endures brutal rape…!