And you tell me I am lucky?

They say I am lucky, they pretend they don’t need one, they act as if they are better off alone…

But I think they are resentful of what I have; I have a best friend!!

It’s a struggle, it’s a hard work to be keen on someone, its forgiveness, it’s a non-judgment game, it’s a party of two, it’s a fight beyond your zone, it’s about letting one in, it’s about importance, and also it’s about love.

 Maybe I am fortunate, but maybe it’s just that I love her and she loves me back, it’s not easy to feel complete with a same sex but it is a blissful negotiation, it’s neither your kinship nor it is natural for your subconscious. It’s a relationship that is literally complicated but a consistent reconciliation in the end.

It doesn’t matter if you are angry, you even hate her, you don’t want to see her, you can kill her, or you are extremely annoyed but when she will stand in front of you and roar her thoughts into your brain… You will have to understand; because that’s what it is all about… you can’t afford to lose her, she is beyond every single relationship you have ever had with anyone or anything. Because she’s your only ’stable state’ of mind.

When you fail in life, when you die a bit inside, when your words fail to portray you, when your pain is intolerable, when your dilemma is undying, when you’re at fault… you know where you have to go and you know what you need… But she won’t give you this chance, because she will come to you as you need her.

It is very hard to love someone when you know him really too well, but she does… she loves you and you love her. You tell her things you don't tell yourself, because you know when you will lose your mind and seek out answers; she will strike a chord about who you are.

Are you ready to get into this? It’s a lovely pain, it’s a constant drug, its serenity of psyche, its more than a love life… it’s a last piece of your puzzle, and it will become life… second after second and year after year.

And if you don’t feel the same, believe me; you are not best friends.

And if you say you don’t need this, believe me; you are scared and lying to yourself.

And if you say we are sick and you’re better off alone, believe me; you don’t deserve it neither you have an audacity. 

In this last day_The 31st!

In this last day of the week, of the month and of the year… We shall dwell in love and peace!

In this last day…We must love and find ecstasy,

In this last day…We ought to hold the hands of our lovers and family and friends and announce our love,

It this last day…Let’s learn by heart the faces who left us and of those who were left by us,

In this last day…Why not let all the worries die, for a moment… just for a second,

In this last day…Let’s just breathe… and just sleep in your warm blanket in peace,

In this last day…Let’s just miss the Bollywood stars that breathed their last,

In this last day…Let’s not fight… Let’s just make it all right,

In this last day...we must celebrate, it’s neither diwali nor Holi nevertheless it is the last day of the year you lived through and survived,

In this last day…let’s just cuddle your dogs,

In this last day…let’s just hope for endurance,

In this last day…we must sing and dance and welcome the new day,

In this last day…let’s just rememorize the past… The exams, the graduation, the new life or the old one, the street dogs, the new friends or the old ones, the pizzas and fat, the run or marathon, the horror movie or t.v series, the lovers or family, the stranger or best friends, the lover or the past one, the tattoos or the photography, the teachers or the juniors or the seniors or the bosses or the colleagues or ANYONE OR ANYTHING.

LET’S JUST SMILE!

How moral we are!

Come on, let’s face it... we are not socially and politically accurate all the time… okay most of the time! But that doesn't mean we don’t respect the facts. Okay maybe we seriously don’t respect some facts but IT IS OKAY NOT BE MORAL!

My best friend I have been facing this serious disease of ‘moral phobia’, as we cannot really accept some facts. And the top most that runs in our blood is “Depression is a justified issue for all”

People are using this issue for a long time to cover their bullshit, I understand that some people are seriously into this because of the tragedy they had faced in life but I seriously can’t understand what is wrong with people who had breakups years ago and are still whining about it, and without wanting to move on. I have seen cases all around that this category of depressed people is lot more than actual ones. They don’t want to study further, they try to kill their selves but never really kill… they are short-tempered, anxious all the time and many more traumas they subconsciously fake. They make their life hell along with people related to them and what I see in them is they don’t even try to come out of it. There might be people who will think that I am rude or something but I am not talking about serious ones. I am talking about people who are still crying because their break-ups or something someone said to them in their child-hood.

I seriously don’t understand why they are making it a cliche and why people are supporting them. They want attention and you are providing them that. People cut their wrist to show their love. ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS? IS THIS HOW WE DO IT?

I have seen 5 seriously stupid cases in my life, and I can’t believe that those mother fuckers have made their parent’s life worst than hell. They are not studying, they are not earning, and they are doing nothing except mourning and attempting suicide for their lovers who don’t seem to find any fucks to give them.
FOR ME YOU ARE PSYCHO MOTHA FUCKAS!

Another fact is that people find it justified to do anything in the name of love, either it is for boyfriend/girlfriend, chacha/chachi, dada/dadi, or FAMILY!

They won’t study that, they won’t get married to him/her, and they won’t work, they will do what they hate to do etc. (NOTE: I AM TALKING ABOUT EXTREME STUPDITY, SO DON’T YOU DARE JUDGE ME)

Are you fuckers were born to be like this? For me they are just brainless pigs and cowards, they choose this easy path where they don’t have to fight for life and also because it is perfectly socially acceptable.
You don’t fight with your parents because you don’t want to disrespect them (as if hum to humesha maa papa ko gali deke hi baat karte hain) or you can’t leave your abusive boyfriend because he is abusive only because he love or care about you (  Accha ji! Hume to nahi pachta esa chutiyaap pyaar)

And then if you think I have any kind of sympathy for your shit then I am really sorry because “NOBODY AIN’T GOT TIME FOR THAT”

Another classic one, people tell me that you are lucky to have a family that accepts everything.
Excuse me? ARE YOU SERIOUS? My family is also an Indian one and they know how to kick my ass, it has never been easy for me to do what I want to do… I worked hard in making the connection between me and my family. I know how to console them… I am living my life as I want it to be that doesn’t mean I am a bitch or my parents are careless.
Some people even told me that I look like “south Delhi girls” or a foreigner, because my life style doesn’t match.
WHATTT???  WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN, matlab YOU MAD BRO?  ya to south Delhi ya foreigner? Baki sab Savi Savitri hain?

Last but not the least “DRAMA ON Racism”
Arey bhaiya I am not racist from heart when I identify Black, north eastern etc, by what we term them in Hindi. (If you know what I mean) I know we still have to work on that and we shouldn’t call them what we call them BUT KYA HOGYAAA FIRRR???
HOJATA HAI KABHI KABHI, REACT NA KIA KARO ZYADA. HAAN!

So I hate people who turn into LALA LAJTAP RAI, KI HAYE RAAM ESE NAHI BOLTE ETC!

*I guess I will have to come up with a 2^nd part of this article as meri Moral dilemma khatam nahi hui abhi*

Ultimate Victory of Life: Marriage!

I have plenty of spare time to eat brains these days, I have no idea what is up with me but I feel like debating more than I should. I call it debating whereas people's involvement is limited to listening and nodding, because they know I’ll 'Karate-Chop' them with my condemnation if they will reveal their thoughts.

So, the other day I was conversing about marriages with my friends who are absolutely aware of the fact that how much I loathe matrimony. As an Indian women we are born to leave the house, I said THE house because according to ancestors and social order it is not our house because we get/find OUR house after marriage! If only you know what I mean.  But what if I don’t want to get married? And can’t I just pay money for property? (Oh! Yah it signifies immense practicality and insensitivity).

It is just a small example about the scenario of marriages in India. There are many other things which are looped around marriages. Like if I think of getting inked, no that’s a huge demand... many of us can’t even do a job after graduating because their parents don’t want them to. But the point is, it is somewhat their fault that they don’t fight BUT the line of reasoning which kills it all is that WHY WE HAVE TO FIGHT FOR IT? Why can’t we just get it... why am I told by my parents that ‘do whatever you want to do after marriage? Is that getting married will give me a passport to wonderland where I will become a princess and everyone will just fold their hand and bow their heads for me. No not at all! Why every woman is obliged to follow what others want from/for them, WHAT DO THEY EXACTLY EXPECT FROM US?

A woman is born with a taunt that she is a woman; she is penalized with razor sharp eyes by everyone, whenever she tries to raise her voice. Is that’s what her identity is? A daughter and a wife?
Why we are artificially forced to get married so that we can get settled in life. What if I feel settled enough without getting married. I am not a handbag which is designed to be carried away by people; I am a human being who can raise children without getting married if she wants to...! Oh! I must have broken some social norm in my last line but CAN YOU STOP ME FROM DOING THAT? That’s a different issue that society will kill me with their gorgeous eyes and words.

I couldn't help but wonder why marriage is your ultimate end? I am not against marriages but only if one wanted to get married not because he/she is told to. I am not even saying I will never get married certainly but what I am saying is why there is any limit to that. Why can’t I get married at 40? Sorry I forgot its India, 21 is highly mature enough to get married here.

Anyways, it all goes with men too but they don’t suffer like women because they are not Women! We both parties are familiar with the taunts we bear in daily life. But apart from that my major question is that how can one become very sure about getting married? How would they realize that he/she is the one? I might sound immature to some people but reality is that most of us are never sure. They just like this idea of getting married or getting settled and then just getting trapped in it. And please don’t bring up the discussion of love marriages in front of me because only few of them are practical, others are just phases. Because I have fallen in love three times and that too sincerely!

My last statement about marriages is, why we are again artificially forced to get married like cartoons? Why can’t we just sign up papers and stay content, people who only sign on papers don't receive god’s affection but the Tom n Jerry show of two does???

HATERS GONNA HATE ME BUT PLEASE ASK YOURSELF! DO YOU SERIOUSLY ENJOY SITTING IN BETWEEN WEIRD PEOPLE, MANTRAS AND LOADS N LOADS OF THINGS ON YOUR HEAD?

All the lonely people!

I was listening to this song by Beatles_ Eleanor Rigby, which says

All the lonely people

Where do they all come from?

All the lonely people

Where do they all belong?

I was connecting myself to the words and the serene music but then in the end it left me wondering, I was lying on my bed like a frog on a lily pad but the different between the frog and me was I am not a frog, though I would’ve if I had any choice but as I am somewhat a reluctant human being, I have some duties in life. But I wonder what my duties are? What am I suppose to be or do or do not? And why the hell there is so much stress when there is really no stress because as a mature adult if I don’t have stress then surely I am doing something wrong. What are the answers?!!?

I speculate! Where I have to go? And who are those lonely people? I feel lonely almost every time but I love my state of solitary! But that is not the answer, who are they then? Is it me? But the fact of admitting will prove me a loner and which will be an edgy proof of me being weaker than others horrifies me strong enough to make me think that I am not the one. Maybe I am one of them and maybe we all are, we are not some special breed that is born out of some black-hole, off course we have family and friends but they are just like our clothes or shoes or pencils, they are our and they are with us but that can’t make us feel better about our loneliness because they are not what we always demand.

Then I was thinking who we really need or demand or want? Maybe a lover who is not like our mother but just a patriotic lover, who is not a psychopath like us but is a psychopath of his own style, because obviously we can’t survive with someone exactly like us but yes we want his intellectual and maturity level same as ours because dating an uncle makes you feel shit always and it is still a mystery why women date mature guys and men can deal with sweet sixteen no matter how stupid she is. No I am not insulting men but this is what I always wonder because I cannot imagine myself with someone younger than me. Anyways the point is who we really call for? Or do us really need them? Maybe it is just a burden of society and psychological effect of watching couples everywhere, yes maybe this is true… we don’t feel alone sitting in a park until we see bunch of happy couples! Yes I literally mean HAPPY couples because that’s what hurts the most, we are fine if they are bitchy or hate each other… because it somewhat gives us a sense of relief that “that is why I stay alone”, but if they are happy and having great romantic sexual life then it kills us somewhere.

But it’s not what always happens; most of us are still alone even when we are with someone… It’s a dialogue in one of my favorite show that for men ‘we’ is ‘me and my dick’ and that is sometimes true and what happens in man’s case is they try to understand their woman but always fail and always will because women really don’t know what they want.

But all of this never exactly tells me who the lonely people are? But eventually I understand I may not need the answer because to the some extent we all know who they are. Let’s not accept who they are but all of us know, because the truth is; many times people make us lonely and many people are lonely because of us. But it is fine to live in a delusion that we don’t know who they are as its satisfactory!!

We are all walking toward something, something which will end someday and we won’t be needing any answers then.

Eternalness!

Smoking...

Drenched in rain, watching your old cuts, thinking of your insane

Musing over the dream about your father’s death,

Craving over segregation you chose, but it was right? Wasn't it?

It was! But does that makes you happy? Does it? No!

Smoke up some more...

Chase pragmatism, right is the way, all alone you battle

For right you will fight, scared that alone you will die

But right was the way, wasn't it? You are tough and brave and aged and careful? Aren’t you?

You are! But is that permanent? Is it simple to encounter people, as it is lose? No!

Drag and hold up smoke in the chest...

Listening pearl jam, the words pierce through your every vein, but all you feel is void between the chests

You search every pocket, every road, every green, every wood, every black, every rain, every sky, every fire to unearth permanence,

But do you find it? Momentary is life then how will thou find it?

You will! But undying: is love; do you even have a piece of it? No!

Cough and smoke and defeat sanity...

No Blasphemy can stop you, you do what you do, and you devotedly face what you do,

Fight with millions for what is right, but can’t sleep at night,

Because all you see is tattoo of questions in your hand, about what is precise, do you know what is right?

You do, don’t you? Yes you do! But those questions always take a piece of your soul with them, don’t they?

They do! But you won’t change, you can’t change, you don’t want to change, will you? Can you? Want to? No!

Throws the cigarette butt!

Socha to tha!

Socha tha ki ab nahi sochungi, par ye bhi jaanti thi me esi hu nahi...
Raato ko ab to neend bhi aati hai, sajti bhi hu sishe k aage, kajal bhi me naya laayi thi..
Par me ab vesi lagti nahi, jo me dikhti thi vo hu nahi me...
Nikal jaati hu sunsan sadko pe shaanti dhundne, par daraati hai vo raahein mujhe...
Ki me isi shaanti me khatam na hojau ek din, akele hi to bitayi hai zindagi... kitani shaanti chahti hu or...
Ishq dhundhne se nahi milta kehte hain log, par apne aap bhi nahi milta ye humse behtar to kya hi janega koi...
Us din akele nikal gai thi ek gali me cigarette leke, socha shaanti milegi... par ehsas hua ki use ashaant me kabhi na thi...
Fir socha ki hota jo sath to kesa hota, koi pakadta mera hath or ishq se dekhta to kesa hota... koi karta mujhse bhi mithi batein, koi hota jo kehta ki hu me saath tere... par koi hota to kehta...
Kala rang bada pasand hai mujhe, kaash koi ho jisse rang pasand ho...
Socha tha ki ab nahi sochungi, par ishq mehsus kie bhi saalo guzar gae...
Kash mene soch lia hota!