unfathomable death!

Every time I gaze into the mirror, it reminds me of the terrible blemish … years of pain… those gruesome eyes of humans… grievous memories… every time I face that ugly face I die thousand times… everything around me become deaden, all I can see is black… black shadow with soaked blood and then the shiniest flash of light that cuts eyes in deep… all I hear is the scream of someone dying, devil tears the soul from body and take it with him.

Standing on the crest of the mountain… the fire is all around me… I scream for life, it reminds me of my childhood… blood dripping out of each aperture of my body… I shout and cry but no one hears it, it feels like a only human living on the scariest planet… the heat of fire is burning me in the pale light of moon… the one who can hear me screaming is my shadow and that too envy me.

I am running in the dark… I can see beasts around me… they have no face, something black and revolting they hold… I don’t know the way neither I know myself… all I do is run… I run for life, I run to kill the exasperation… I run to find my lost self...believing my blind eyes I just run… out of the blue I fall onto something… I get up and see it… I run again and scream to facilitate… that smell of the burned dead body is sullying my spirit… I can’t forget that spitefulness… I cry why I fell onto that… and I run… after eternity I run for no reason but I just run…

I was trying to live serene… I was dreaming fairytales… but I don’t know why I didn't feel the harmony… I cut myself deep and taste my blood… smoke some weed… I smoke it more and drink it all and then I feel fine…. I start walking and my walk was never-ending but I lay down somewhere on wet dark mud… one specter come and start snatching me from legs… he tear my clothes and eat me… eat my soul and my life and throw me into ocean… I feel myself deep into water… all I can feel is the cold water, my deep warm breathe liquefy in water… and slowly I become still and feel the vanished peace. I feel that eternity… I hear it and see it-my lost peace.  

WOMAN!

One of the great philosophers says “I think therefore I exists” but the scenario nowadays is people don’t think, they are just living like vegetables. From where you start your day… you end up standing at the same end. World covered under four walls is enough for you to live… It’s not about you can’t get anything else, it’s about you don’t even think of having it… you don’t even dream it.

It will be wrong to say that men are all faulty for whatever discrimination woman face in this world. I want to draw everybody’s attention of what I think about the women fault:

They can bear harassment on daily basis, while travelling on bus, metro everywhere. But what they do about it, just wonder and cry for few hours and then live like the same because mumma has always told us to stay far from bad people, well! These bad people have no guts to do anything if you will to stop them… your eyes are so prevailing but the things is you never wondered you can do anything. You love to be a little baby doll who don’t have time to fight for herself but cry when her jannu fights with her.  You don’t want to show any body your hard core attitude because you are busy texting your boyfriend which is the most interesting lame conversation about your bathing eating and sleeping. It’s not about you should leave living and pick up sword to kill people; it’s about you can do many things productive in life rather wondering about the stupidest stuff. And then it doesn't matter what it is, either you fight in your class-room for your right or fight in parliament.

You hit each other while walking in hurry but never ever give any apology but when any guy do the same to you… you cry for apologies... but it’s insane! How can he just hit you… he must have done that for a reason because you are most beautiful star alive. You can’t offer seat to an old women because you are tired too but when same happens with your own people… you definitely gets mad. Why you are so mean and careless about life, why? Why your world revolves around your relationships and few friends… why can’t you give life a second thought; just because you are so hurt by your breakups? You don’t have a bit of individuality in yourself… you are not strong enough to face the difficulties alone… even though you are not strong enough to go college alone… you call your boyfriend to drop you… you don’t cut your hairs because he likes it long and you love it when he calls you BABY!(like what the hell is wrong with you? You’re a baby?). Don’t you know it affects your persona… these small things you learn to sacrifice of your own and suppress them but they end up becoming disaster one day you and lose your own self… because you always wanted to be someone’s daughter, someone’s mother, and someone’s wife-that’s all you have ever thought be.

Your parents are orthodox and they want you to get married and you do it… because you are a weak sad girl. You cry why you are born girl but you never wonder about fighting or taking any stand. There are many who take stands and are proud on themselves but what you do is ignore them and cries, because you are in the most difficult situation of the world. If you accept that your parents are right and you should get married because you are 2o years old and after all you have to get married one day so why not now. Your 30 years old richi rich will keep you happy (now that you don’t have any identity go adopt some else’s) and you do it. Well you should die then.  You were born to be nothing… your existence is worthless more than a dustbin. You will cry for women rights and obviously your part of contribution would have done nothing. (And yes it’s easy to get married rather to fight hard).

Fact:Everybody will get their right but never women… because they are not UNITED… there is not a pinch of respect in woman’s eye for another. They will for sure notice their shades of lipsticks or nail paints but never their madness. They never give a damn about others life by saying a simple thing that it’s not their life and they don’t have any right to interfere... Either one dies in this sexist world.  It’s an old say a woman is woman’s enemy; and in fact it’s somewhere true. They can’t see each other happy either they will admit it or not. (If you’ll think about it you surely have a name in your mind: woman who is sadist or jealous).

You cry for years but never took any step because your situations were very hard and god wasn't with you and you pray for mercy. What you think you are doing? You think this is the most hard core thing you have done in life and you admit you have seen life by talking no step for your own life because your situation weren't with you. Ha!  _ Every being get chances, it’s just  you have to be aware of what it is… it’s easy to cry and become sad/ depressed but it’s hard to take steps and struggle. Everyone face difficulties and that’s what life is… but sitting and wondering is no solution. But oh! You can do nothing because you don’t know what to do… the ultimate solution you can give to yourself and everybody else that you never knew what to do in this situation and you were all alone, you didn't had anybody.  Then you might also know that there are millions of people who live whole of their life’s alone… or bought up in orphans... they all doesn't die.

At least start thinking, give life your thoughts… thinking is the beginning of everything... think why are you here… what you have to do… life is a psychedelic game… play it with mind… leave all the shit behind and think… at least think… I am sure you’ll end up doing anything intelligent if you are in right trail. Go beyond your limitations and watch yourself fly. You are the only one who can do anything for you.

Blue!

Sitting on the stone of lonesome feeling
Grave of my soul don’ no why still breathing;
Wrapped under the folkloric white
Feeling so sick! Counting stars in the bright.

Those smell of burnt red chillies
Scorching me like some dead greeneries;
Black giant eyes on my head all the time
Felt so appalled for hours long nine.

While bloodless fight with my own heart
I shouted on my unseen flow chart;
Cups tripped aside filled with blood
 No desire to live this place so absurd.

Hanged my head back on the chair
Eyes triggered evil words ‘it’s not fair’;
Nothing worse than feeling none
I felt so ugly breathing in this position.

Egoist

I am disgusted by the way your judgements are falling down now… I hate to see you being wrong as you have never been with me… your affection doesn't blesses me now… we were one soul of power and love but I can’t feel that now… I can’t sense the intoxicating connection… that weakness in it makes me weak…I don’t want anything from you cause I think there is nothing left to ask for… as I am not suppose to ask anything ever…

You don’t love me when I want you do…You don’t hate me when I want you do…You don’t become happy when I want you to be…You don’t become happy from me when I want you to be…You are wrong now, when I want you to be perfect… as it is suppose to be after the eternity of perfection…

I pray sometimes to god to forgive and forget this immoral hatred I’d formed for you but I can’t help it, you had no right to disappoint me when I am still following the same picture you have drawn of me in your mind, I hate you for forming the unfaithful intentions and even no blasphemy stopped you.

Love has its own rules… you taught me… you had held my hand and tell me to follow the elegance, the bliss… I am still there waiting for you… but I never understood where you left me alone… where the dark had made me blind and I was unable to see you anymore... my hands still know your touch… where are you? You promised me that you will be faithful in this story. We had designed endlessness and there is no way out of it. But you did, you broke the promise and I still stand there but I don’t expect you to be there now… so don’t disappoint me this time… cause I am comfortable being sad.

We still laugh, we still talk, we stalk walk, we are still alive but why don’t you see the disparity… why didn't you noticed when I was separating my soul from yours… you seemed happy… you were always unaware of the disappointment you’d thrown onto me… you pretended that you don’t know when to love n hate… when to cry n wait, when to smile n appreciate… you pretended not to know. You pretended not to know your selfish diplomacy… you acted innocent… I'd perceive that bravery of yours. You have grown stronger in being wrong. That vanity in your innocence has drawn you to pretend the falseness that you have elapsed now the truth of it. You believe the lie and you live it purely without any puzzlement.

You flowed like a breath in me… deep you went… you covered the whole soul of mine… you coloured it your favorite one… you painted it with the love brush… and stamped the belief of permanence … how I am suppose to leave you here now? It’s turning impossible for me to end this affair of pure sanity or vanity. You are rooted deep in my world. I cannot cut you from there even if I want to do it, before my death.

To celebrate 'us'...

I never had an urge to write about it earlier but today I am trying to write it, not all… but yes my few stances, because it’s not viable for me pull out everything from my heart. It’s peculiar in me that I can’t share everything.

One fine day under the sparkling sun, I began to think again, all about that war. I know I am young; but that appealing pain is out of control. The pain in billions eyes, which history books can never define. The separation of two souls, the separation of lives... the separation of shadow of those two that were born to walk together.

Many of times I have seen the old souls crying blood from eyes when the memories of their childhood hit them in blue. So much they have seen, so much that we can’t even imagine. But yes we can feel the pain; we can try to feel what they feel. They have seen that great love turning into disaster... they have seen Islam hugging Hinduism with heart of all graces… Yes! This is what I am talking about... SEPARATION… separation of Pak – Hind. I know I have never seen them together but still I feel the pain, there still are some left ashes over small pieces of burning coal.

I remember one précised moment when I was sitting with my grand-maa and she was sharing her tales of life… and suddenly she became sadden and said ‘I would want to die on my birth ground’… I have never felt so helpless that I’d felt that day.

I see how people behave in the state of indifference whenever I try to talk about this… about separation… about cause… about religion… They know from heart that I am right but they will never grant me this, that it is not about the fight of who did... it’s about why did. I am still driving on my belief about religion that ‘they are not my idols’ but I know somewhat they connect people. How cultures give colors of divine in air of life. How it is bliss to walk with different believes.  I know there are still people who believe it was a disaster for humanity, it was unacceptable to tear off love but on the other end there still are people who think it was right to kill, it was right to split souls of billions, it was right to separate color of love and culture and even they did,, they did separated red from green and green from red. They snatched the charm of celebrating togetherness. And now it doesn’t even bother us… we don’t bother to wish each other in our special days… I wish we could have done that… I wish it was possible to celebrate god together. Nobody will stop me if I will to do… but I don’t want to do it alone… I want to do it with them… forgetting about what has ever happened… I want to celebrate it purely... neither theirs nor ours… I WANT TO CELEBRATE US! I am born with the thought of harmony and I wonder if they feel the same… do they also want to celebrate our color our fire our life too? I wonder in blue…

I remember I felt very disheartened when I was looking at our old flags in library. The symbol of togetherness… I was lost in my imaginations and for a second believed that it is still alive. Those images my mind shaped in a moment that I can’t stop myself thinking about it over n over again. I don’t know what I have to do but I know I will love the idea of togetherness till I die. It’s impossible for me to elaborate the connection I feel with them… they are part of me… Ignoring the immature behaviors of both I will love them… because hate isn’t inborn in me.

“Poets cried million tears till they fallen asleep

Why thee chosen war instead of peace,

Tell me o lord! The difference in their sun n ours

 The difference in their smiles n tears

Millions died in the hope to meet again

Thee separated us in infinite little pieces and left us in vain “

It's worsening!

There are wires circled around my neck

I thought of learning wisdom but it’s desecrate for my every breathe,

I see myself numb in salvation

Even book on the name of Christ causing mortification!

That day I’d hold a pen and wrote my brain

I thought am so young but good in this game’

With charm on my face, heart on race, and in hopes of grace

I moved to grab it, grab it all but I was filled with disgrace!

I tried! I turned back but again I tried, until I hated it to death

I was helpless, helpless for my shadow and helpless to death,

I was running in the race I have had lost so many times

I still face the shit of losing it with disgusting minds!

But what should I do? I’d have no answer to speak

Challenge is my life, I accepted though I was so weak,

Blue ink, red blood, black mind, and I am losing it

The faith in me, the grace in me, and I don’t know if I can win it!

I was interested, interested with all of my heart

That bullshit you did teach me, now I swallow it hard,

I wrote so much, so much on paper but it turned into none

I wrote again with no use of brain and you called it number one!

I don’t know how long I can take it on soul

Each drop of blood staring me as if I got no goal,

But how can I stand in dark when I am born for light

I don’t know what will happen in life but I just know it’s bright!

you're my sweetest pain!

You have something strange in you or it’s me who is strange?

Millions of years after; I still fight you to change

I love the way you love me but I hate the way you hate

We’ll create history one day my love, if that’s written in my fate,

I cannot face the face who loves you more; neither can I when you do

You are the drop of water in the desolate desert and I won’t share you even if you’ll ask me to

I sit next to you on the bench of that haunted park

I know you’re petrified, that’s why I stand next to your eyes when the horror barks,

I might yell in public or I behave mad to you

But I never figured out why I feel hurt, when I kick you in blue

I know you know me more than I know myself

But can you tell me why I hate you when it is not rooted in thyself?

I know you feel protective when I like other friends

But amore you are the only one for whom I can die young not friends

You are the one whom I have hated daily but never more than I’d loved

This tale will never end and I can bet my life for this my beloved,

I am irate onto you because I care

Don’t behave with me that you were unaware

I wish I could hug you for long and with eyes onto you

But I donno if it’s possible, cause this is something outlandish in us two..!