Purely, The emptiness!

I have always had this desire to roll over with skates but it is one of those wishes people usually don’t reveal as they are not really vital to them, but maybe it is a part of my nature. Maybe I never reveal too much of me even when I reveal everything, maybe it is because who I have become or maybe because nothing has ever influenced me much that I really need to care about enlightening everything. 

Thinking about serene life can be normal for people but for me it is a special idea, since I have been into so many anarchies and aged faster than usual and became weirder than I ought to. There are only a handful of things I really feel are significant to me but beside those materialistic and godforsaken objectives in life, I also try to manufacture tiny flowers in the garden under my head. In point of fact I rarely do that but it came to my notice lately that I do, whatever the world may seem and no matter what I would want to accomplish in life; my human in me just ask for a beautiful emptiness. “Emptiness” is not an affirmative but it is us that have stamped a cruel implication to it, but in reality it can be fine-looking.

For me that ‘emptiness’ doesn’t carry any melancholy or lonesomeness but it transmit an exquisite simplicity of life. It is a power of ignorance to the questions, which I don’t want to answer because I know they are way too much materialistic for my real being. It is a state where you do not have to define anything to anyone and do nothing about anything. Maybe I am giving it a whole new meaning but that’s what I would like to think of it. That state is almost unreachable but we are all trying to grab its butt without knowing. As we are all fighting with nerve-racking situations and problematic routines or bad relationships or worst scenarios of life? Have you ever wondered why you are fighting and where you want to reach after that? Maybe you have wanted peace or isolation after everything but all I want is to be nothing, do nothing and mean nothing. It might sound horrifying to some people but that complex state of being a nothing is actually a true state of happiness.

We are all running after to reach somewhere, finding meaning of lives we are living, and elaborating our lives into words and sentences to give it a bona fide and complex purport. But what if we don’t need to do that, what if we can just stay calm at where we are, at being anything and mean nothing. I want to reach that state of being nothing called ‘emptiness’, where I have no definition of what I am doing and neither I would want to find one, what humans are suppose to do or what a daughter or a sister or a friend is supposed to do.

But materialism has eaten our souls although it is not wrong either, because that’s also a state of life’s reality. And we cannot defy reality but we can find within us a state of being nothing, not permanently, not as a substantial proof, but just as passivity.

Raftaar!

kisi ne ek afva felayi thi ek dafa, ki “jo hota hai acche k lie hota hai”;

Ho bhi sakta hai par shayad me wakif nahi, agar me kahu to “jo hota hai kisi maksad se hota hai”.

Dhue k nashe me jab gadhi ki awaaz k dohrav k saath sanse chalti hai, tab ek darr sa lagta hai ki me is ehsaas me fass na jau...

Ussi fande ka darr zindagi k har vakye me lagta hai, kahi me haar na jau, akele na reh jau, zindagi me kuch hasil kar pau, kahin mujhe mohabbat na hojae, agar hojae to kaash mil jae, agar mil jae to saath reh jae… sath reh bhi jae to me khush reh pau…

Kisi bhi baat ka kabhi koi ant nahi hota, zindagi ke mukaam hote hi anant hai; ya fir shayad hume esi hi zindagi chahiye hoti hai.

Har insan zindagi me khushiyo ka picha karta hai, par mujhe lagta hai hum khushiyo k piche nahi gol bhag rahe hain. khushiya mil bhi jaati hai to rukte kahan hai, sukoon se beth k saans bhi nahi lete,

Fir bhaagne lagte hai kisi raah me koi khushi dhundne, asal me to bas bhaagna accha lagta hai, shayad insan hota hi thoda bawra hai… sochta hai ki nahi hai, par bohot zyada hai. Vo pagalpan hi hai jo hume khushi or himmat deta hai bhaagte rehne ki.

Hum sochte hain kab khatam hoga ye toofan, kab mai chen ki saans lunga, par uske lie ant ka intezaar kyn karna hai? abhi hi lelo gehri saans, kynki aage bas bhaagna hai. Jo karna hai sath sath karo, intezaar mat karo sai waqt ka; kynki waqt ne bhi kabhi waqt ki suni hai?

Uske saath hi daudh’ chalo, kabhi kuch nahi savrega or na hi kabhi kuch itana tabaah ki ruk pao. Bas maksad dhundo ki kyn hua or pakad lo raftaar. Asaan nahi par or koi charra b nahi hai kynki ek baar soch k dekho ki jitana b kuch hua hai aajtak kabhi ruke ho?

Islie,

bhaago bas!

My Ill-Trait!

I nurture it deep down my heart, I don’t narrate its life but I wonder relentlessly. It grows in me... I don’t show it, but it does.

I thought I heard you calling my name, I thought I felt your hands over me but it was nothing more than a wave of my brain… My flesh over me pine for your warmth, like a child for his mother’s embrace… but you failed me, not once or twice but all the time.

 I am ridiculously reluctant to uncover your faults, maybe because I know you have too many, maybe I have become comfortable with how wrong you are and how foolish I am being. I don’t suffer but I have wounds all over me; I am not aware of how I got them… but I have them, they grow little by little and I notice them every day.

You are my bleakness, you are my aching failure, you don’t even acknowledge that know… I have no idea when I let you become my divine bastard.  I would love to hear your heavenly voice but all I hear is your echoed chatter from history.

I want you to lay a hand on me and give me that feeling of a sinful lover, I want you to open my bun and set my hair free, I want you to leave your smell over me for forever but, I ask nothing. Maybe if you’ll see me in this phase of self-indulgence, you will fall for me; but that’s not what I wish for.

You have become a blemish over my soul and I want to get liberated from everything that belongs to you, but I don’t know how… or maybe I just don’t desire to because I am afraid. Afraid of sheer isolation!

There is nothing in my life that is fed by you but I still long for you, I am sick of myself but I am afraid too. I have this feeling that if we’ll meet, everything will be reasonable; but I am scared… scared that you will be a ridiculous soul or a piece of disgust. Maybe that’s why I yearn for you but never meet.

You are nothing, nothing I would die for,

 It’s just I am foolish and you’re lucky!

And you tell me I am lucky?

They say I am lucky, they pretend they don’t need one, they act as if they are better off alone…

But I think they are resentful of what I have; I have a best friend!!

It’s a struggle, it’s a hard work to be keen on someone, its forgiveness, it’s a non-judgment game, it’s a party of two, it’s a fight beyond your zone, it’s about letting one in, it’s about importance, and also it’s about love.

 Maybe I am fortunate, but maybe it’s just that I love her and she loves me back, it’s not easy to feel complete with a same sex but it is a blissful negotiation, it’s neither your kinship nor it is natural for your subconscious. It’s a relationship that is literally complicated but a consistent reconciliation in the end.

It doesn’t matter if you are angry, you even hate her, you don’t want to see her, you can kill her, or you are extremely annoyed but when she will stand in front of you and roar her thoughts into your brain… You will have to understand; because that’s what it is all about… you can’t afford to lose her, she is beyond every single relationship you have ever had with anyone or anything. Because she’s your only ’stable state’ of mind.

When you fail in life, when you die a bit inside, when your words fail to portray you, when your pain is intolerable, when your dilemma is undying, when you’re at fault… you know where you have to go and you know what you need… But she won’t give you this chance, because she will come to you as you need her.

It is very hard to love someone when you know him really too well, but she does… she loves you and you love her. You tell her things you don't tell yourself, because you know when you will lose your mind and seek out answers; she will strike a chord about who you are.

Are you ready to get into this? It’s a lovely pain, it’s a constant drug, its serenity of psyche, its more than a love life… it’s a last piece of your puzzle, and it will become life… second after second and year after year.

And if you don’t feel the same, believe me; you are not best friends.

And if you say you don’t need this, believe me; you are scared and lying to yourself.

And if you say we are sick and you’re better off alone, believe me; you don’t deserve it neither you have an audacity. 

In this last day_The 31st!

In this last day of the week, of the month and of the year… We shall dwell in love and peace!

In this last day…We must love and find ecstasy,

In this last day…We ought to hold the hands of our lovers and family and friends and announce our love,

It this last day…Let’s learn by heart the faces who left us and of those who were left by us,

In this last day…Why not let all the worries die, for a moment… just for a second,

In this last day…Let’s just breathe… and just sleep in your warm blanket in peace,

In this last day…Let’s just miss the Bollywood stars that breathed their last,

In this last day…Let’s not fight… Let’s just make it all right,

In this last day...we must celebrate, it’s neither diwali nor Holi nevertheless it is the last day of the year you lived through and survived,

In this last day…let’s just cuddle your dogs,

In this last day…let’s just hope for endurance,

In this last day…we must sing and dance and welcome the new day,

In this last day…let’s just rememorize the past… The exams, the graduation, the new life or the old one, the street dogs, the new friends or the old ones, the pizzas and fat, the run or marathon, the horror movie or t.v series, the lovers or family, the stranger or best friends, the lover or the past one, the tattoos or the photography, the teachers or the juniors or the seniors or the bosses or the colleagues or ANYONE OR ANYTHING.

LET’S JUST SMILE!

How moral we are!

Come on, let’s face it... we are not socially and politically accurate all the time… okay most of the time! But that doesn't mean we don’t respect the facts. Okay maybe we seriously don’t respect some facts but IT IS OKAY NOT BE MORAL!

My best friend I have been facing this serious disease of ‘moral phobia’, as we cannot really accept some facts. And the top most that runs in our blood is “Depression is a justified issue for all”

People are using this issue for a long time to cover their bullshit, I understand that some people are seriously into this because of the tragedy they had faced in life but I seriously can’t understand what is wrong with people who had breakups years ago and are still whining about it, and without wanting to move on. I have seen cases all around that this category of depressed people is lot more than actual ones. They don’t want to study further, they try to kill their selves but never really kill… they are short-tempered, anxious all the time and many more traumas they subconsciously fake. They make their life hell along with people related to them and what I see in them is they don’t even try to come out of it. There might be people who will think that I am rude or something but I am not talking about serious ones. I am talking about people who are still crying because their break-ups or something someone said to them in their child-hood.

I seriously don’t understand why they are making it a cliche and why people are supporting them. They want attention and you are providing them that. People cut their wrist to show their love. ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS? IS THIS HOW WE DO IT?

I have seen 5 seriously stupid cases in my life, and I can’t believe that those mother fuckers have made their parent’s life worst than hell. They are not studying, they are not earning, and they are doing nothing except mourning and attempting suicide for their lovers who don’t seem to find any fucks to give them.
FOR ME YOU ARE PSYCHO MOTHA FUCKAS!

Another fact is that people find it justified to do anything in the name of love, either it is for boyfriend/girlfriend, chacha/chachi, dada/dadi, or FAMILY!

They won’t study that, they won’t get married to him/her, and they won’t work, they will do what they hate to do etc. (NOTE: I AM TALKING ABOUT EXTREME STUPDITY, SO DON’T YOU DARE JUDGE ME)

Are you fuckers were born to be like this? For me they are just brainless pigs and cowards, they choose this easy path where they don’t have to fight for life and also because it is perfectly socially acceptable.
You don’t fight with your parents because you don’t want to disrespect them (as if hum to humesha maa papa ko gali deke hi baat karte hain) or you can’t leave your abusive boyfriend because he is abusive only because he love or care about you (  Accha ji! Hume to nahi pachta esa chutiyaap pyaar)

And then if you think I have any kind of sympathy for your shit then I am really sorry because “NOBODY AIN’T GOT TIME FOR THAT”

Another classic one, people tell me that you are lucky to have a family that accepts everything.
Excuse me? ARE YOU SERIOUS? My family is also an Indian one and they know how to kick my ass, it has never been easy for me to do what I want to do… I worked hard in making the connection between me and my family. I know how to console them… I am living my life as I want it to be that doesn’t mean I am a bitch or my parents are careless.
Some people even told me that I look like “south Delhi girls” or a foreigner, because my life style doesn’t match.
WHATTT???  WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN, matlab YOU MAD BRO?  ya to south Delhi ya foreigner? Baki sab Savi Savitri hain?

Last but not the least “DRAMA ON Racism”
Arey bhaiya I am not racist from heart when I identify Black, north eastern etc, by what we term them in Hindi. (If you know what I mean) I know we still have to work on that and we shouldn’t call them what we call them BUT KYA HOGYAAA FIRRR???
HOJATA HAI KABHI KABHI, REACT NA KIA KARO ZYADA. HAAN!

So I hate people who turn into LALA LAJTAP RAI, KI HAYE RAAM ESE NAHI BOLTE ETC!

*I guess I will have to come up with a 2^nd part of this article as meri Moral dilemma khatam nahi hui abhi*

Ultimate Victory of Life: Marriage!

I have plenty of spare time to eat brains these days, I have no idea what is up with me but I feel like debating more than I should. I call it debating whereas people's involvement is limited to listening and nodding, because they know I’ll 'Karate-Chop' them with my condemnation if they will reveal their thoughts.

So, the other day I was conversing about marriages with my friends who are absolutely aware of the fact that how much I loathe matrimony. As an Indian women we are born to leave the house, I said THE house because according to ancestors and social order it is not our house because we get/find OUR house after marriage! If only you know what I mean.  But what if I don’t want to get married? And can’t I just pay money for property? (Oh! Yah it signifies immense practicality and insensitivity).

It is just a small example about the scenario of marriages in India. There are many other things which are looped around marriages. Like if I think of getting inked, no that’s a huge demand... many of us can’t even do a job after graduating because their parents don’t want them to. But the point is, it is somewhat their fault that they don’t fight BUT the line of reasoning which kills it all is that WHY WE HAVE TO FIGHT FOR IT? Why can’t we just get it... why am I told by my parents that ‘do whatever you want to do after marriage? Is that getting married will give me a passport to wonderland where I will become a princess and everyone will just fold their hand and bow their heads for me. No not at all! Why every woman is obliged to follow what others want from/for them, WHAT DO THEY EXACTLY EXPECT FROM US?

A woman is born with a taunt that she is a woman; she is penalized with razor sharp eyes by everyone, whenever she tries to raise her voice. Is that’s what her identity is? A daughter and a wife?
Why we are artificially forced to get married so that we can get settled in life. What if I feel settled enough without getting married. I am not a handbag which is designed to be carried away by people; I am a human being who can raise children without getting married if she wants to...! Oh! I must have broken some social norm in my last line but CAN YOU STOP ME FROM DOING THAT? That’s a different issue that society will kill me with their gorgeous eyes and words.

I couldn't help but wonder why marriage is your ultimate end? I am not against marriages but only if one wanted to get married not because he/she is told to. I am not even saying I will never get married certainly but what I am saying is why there is any limit to that. Why can’t I get married at 40? Sorry I forgot its India, 21 is highly mature enough to get married here.

Anyways, it all goes with men too but they don’t suffer like women because they are not Women! We both parties are familiar with the taunts we bear in daily life. But apart from that my major question is that how can one become very sure about getting married? How would they realize that he/she is the one? I might sound immature to some people but reality is that most of us are never sure. They just like this idea of getting married or getting settled and then just getting trapped in it. And please don’t bring up the discussion of love marriages in front of me because only few of them are practical, others are just phases. Because I have fallen in love three times and that too sincerely!

My last statement about marriages is, why we are again artificially forced to get married like cartoons? Why can’t we just sign up papers and stay content, people who only sign on papers don't receive god’s affection but the Tom n Jerry show of two does???

HATERS GONNA HATE ME BUT PLEASE ASK YOURSELF! DO YOU SERIOUSLY ENJOY SITTING IN BETWEEN WEIRD PEOPLE, MANTRAS AND LOADS N LOADS OF THINGS ON YOUR HEAD?