I thought I knew who I was!

I was looking deep into his small brown eyes, they were all empty... nothing was pouring out of them. I made myself a bit nearer to him, he was barely making any interaction...he might be disgusted by the bundle of thoughts running into his dark sides. I was numb just like a broken piece of lifeless leaf… I sensed him breathing deeply, that sound of rubbing clothes to skin. I was at ease in his shadow, I broke that butchery silence, ‘can I touch you?’ he gazed deep into me... like it was so odd, he lean back a bit but I read his face, I thought i did… I touched his fist that’s where I embraced him for the first time... I rushed all my fingers and then hold him politely; he was nervous but trying to cover it with veil. I rubbed my hand over him and felt like am touching myself… caressed his clothes, smelled his flesh… I touched his neck and kept myself moving but he was just stunned and locked as he never knew what is going on… what I feel like. I moved my hand from his shoulder and made it to his hands... I grabbed them and let him hold me in his arms...he did…he hugged me tight that I rubbed my face into his... I was soothed there… we puffed together, he was holding me but I broke there in million little pieces... I was still like was paralyzed… my heart was hammering like there was flood of blood pouring onto him... I wanted to scream… I felt insanity in my soul... I was confused but I unheeded my inner voice… I was in the illusory world where I knew no one can see me… that peace was absorbing death from earth... I wanted to die there… but I came back to life when he brushed his lips on my face,, I didn’t knew if I know that I have to kiss him but I did… I felt like a defeated soul searching for moksha. His lips were seeding life in me... But I pushed him in agony of love… he was stunned there… he was trembled by this... he gazed me in rage, but I know he noticed that fire burning into my eyes… I was about to shatter but I looked away... I didn’t want myself to fall apart like a stone in front of him... I cannot have myself doing that... I would better cut myself...that was the first time in a while I wasn’t staring him. He wanted to know the intention...but I was lost in the world where I didn’t even keep ‘I’ with me. I walked back and told him I can’t stay... he was paranoid for a second but then he struggled to come out of aggression... he fought himself and tried to hold me.. Stop me and make me stay but I only know who I was that time... I ran away... that wasn’t me there...that’s the only thing knifed into my mind in that phase…  I ran away cause I can’t see it, can’t see myself like that. I thought that I knew who I was…!