It’s hard to be imprudent!

You try so very hard no lose yourself in ignoring your subconscious… that love and sympathy is not what you wish for; in this phase of life… it’s hard for you to believe that your believe in you is helpless… the child in you still wants to get pampered but you always realize the matter of fact that you are an strong personality who ought to be bold and mature. You close your eyes to the lost love and live happily… your soul seemed to be moved on from the pain and broken desires… it is gone for you because that’s what you want to think about it, you don’t want to surrender your conscious into the deep hole of ‘needs’. Sometimes you like the pain but at least you don’t care to reveal it.  

Your dreams are insensitive, you run in dark like a blind… you fight with people… you cannot breathe because someone is over your chest and there is no space to move, you feel dead for some minutes… somehow somewhere running in the crowd you found your past love, you talk to him so normally like it was always the same… and unpredictably he hugs you in the middle of the crowd, you grasp the most peaceful breathe you could have ever had in your whole life, he holds you for so long and this is what you have always wanted from him. You wake up and realize it was just a dream… it breaks your heart but it was not the first time you had his dream… so you try to move on ignoring your feelings. You wonder all day long about that cuddliness, that never-ending peace.

You feel that you feel contented in life and you live it. You are happy in your every day routine and you like fixing small things up but you never had a heart to fix the major rupture deep within you. You don’t believe that God is faulty for anything neither you blame him ‘cause you know the meaning of his existence but somewhere in deep back you want to blame someone… you want your evil to fight God… you want to feel blithe by putting your blames on him… but you never do it because you know this is not how your life works. In a meanwhile you lose all your elegance of loving anyone… no grace left in you to be with someone.

You don’t feel your pains because you have disregarded them so much because there were so many to be cared for. And when you want to sense them, you crave to get beaten, get cut, and get bruised all over because this is how you feel them… blood is what pleases you.

Your body crave for some wild urges… you touch yourself from top to bottom and stroke yourself… you fondle yourself more n more until you get the pleasure… you cut yourself in the end and taste your blood. But you ignore everything else and think nothing… because this is how it works with you and you like it… you like being like this.