I feel!

And then I sat there for hours, not that I wanted to but because I wasn't able to feel my feelings anymore... the only thing I could feel was blood... blood raging in my brain over n over again. Like I was some deceased body and that hustle of blood brought me back to senses every time.

I tried to think something, but I was wedged to nonbeing... that numbness was so surreal that maybe my conscious would have felt scared but no one was conscious there.. That dead drop silence was stabbing my ears like that maddening echo of water droplet... like that echo of lizard in the dark... like that echo of timepiece.

I have felt numbness earlier but certainly not like this where I can’t even feel that I can’t feel. Then abruptly I feel something... like thousands of eyes are scrutinizing me n I am in the center of them. Like that bottomless black water hole in the middle of the ocean where you fight to survive but sink instead.

I overlook that feeling slickly because I am connoisseur in that. I move my hand down and rip off my clothes. I feel the wetness in between my legs and start stroking myself. I like that sound and hotness and wetness.... I pinch myself brutally so that I could feel the pain but I fail... I knock some more mercilessly... I turn hotter n red n wet ... I begin to feel pleased... my legs and veins become stiff... my hands pain... I feel the pain but I don’t hold back... I stroke n rub n fondle myself more n more until I drew blood on my hands... Then I pick up a wooden stick n stab it deep down until I feel deaden with pain. With pleasure comes a beautiful pain and that’s all I feel. I feel contented when I see blood running down through my legs... I identify my feelings eventually.