SHE

That stone falls into the gutter, it’s funny when you feel sad that you have lost the thing you were playing all way… but she crossed the traffic and turned to left boulevard… walking under the damp sky, she gained back the memories of her dreams which constantly strokes out her heart. ‘A girl in white dress lying on white bed in white room…sleeping with pleasant face; a guy came slowly to her when she was deeply inhaling.. he jumped on her.. She screamed terribly like she never sensed anything like this in life.. She fought for life but she felt herself dying when he tore her down and humped her like animal.. sheet turned red between her legs.. he banged her and her face.. he left after making love with dead lady. They both appeared in that room again after they were lifeless; she realized they were dead… She screamed and felt appalled and found herself on the same bed with both of them standing in front of her.. She tremble and open her eyes’.. it was nothing more than delusion that left her in sweat..
This was not the only one that horrified her but she was suffering daily from those mind-numbing sensations, dreams and images. She came back to senses when she heard a loud horn from backside and she realizes she was in middle of the road. She gives him side and move again.
She don’t really know what she feel about all the sensations but she just never wanted to be scared of anything.. time passes and after many phrases of life she starting feeling alone..  She was whole lot into her novels and normal routine which she never enjoyed in life but it doesn’t seems to bother her now. She daily saw dreams, felt sensations, discussed it with few people but never did anything for salvage.
Time passed the same way for long and she started thinking that she has never thought enough of what she is doing in life… leaving people aside whom she always loved more than her, though it’s unethical for her to do that, and she know it was wrong but she did nothing for it and it didn’t even bothered her. Her typical daily routine wasn’t normal but it always does sound normal to her.
She realized a distance she'd made between her and her loved ones. She cried in pain but never consciously realized how much damage has been done. It wasn’t only about dreaming tragic but facing it subconsciously that she was becoming numb and insane day after day. That long stare on wall and finding nothing and behaving normal wasn’t normal enough to never come under people’s observation.
She slowly tried to cope up with the moving world. Somewhere missing her best friend but never tried to tell her how much she loved her, she was just confused of her own feelings of how to live a life. But she gained a bit strength and talked to her and told how much alone she feel and how much she is suffering from normal human tendency of jealousy when her only love is happy with others. Her friend laughed but she knew she was serious. They both cried without facing each other but precisely realizing the distance they had made between them but did nothing. She was under bulk of strange feelings about what she has to do with herself exactly but the thought process give her nothing.
She reaches home and smile when she remember those big trees at roadside.. they always give her smile.

Time is bane!

Half awake in the new morning, felt myself breathing

Long stare on deep green poster, felt my eyes melting,

I can’t feel my numb hands neither my mind

Thinking makes a better picture but I am feeling blind!

I dunno if am changing; mirror is showing the same

Am not calling myself; don’t I remember my name?

Same vulgar words I can taste on my tongue

On call with him I felt so young!

I hate to feel my past of life,

That negativity is worst that neck on knife,

Time is no hero for me

I have been patient to see what I wanted to see!

I rolled my hairs in a bun

Walked in an open sky to feel how much I am burnt,

I am living the life I always desired

But it’s too late and I am so tired!

I am losing the faith on my body

That pain is a burden making my soul unbloody,

I lay next to the door on the naked floor

To know what prints I have left on that long lasting spoor!

My lips move and shaped as smile

In this long life I felt love just for a while?

I was lying lifeless and insane

When I again realized Time is Bane!! 

Those Old Shoes...

I finally threw them, I threw them away... I don’t need them now, I went and walked under the sunshine.... so much of light cutting my veins under eye... but I walked further... I wanted to feel that heat on my skin, and that warm hug sun gave me! I walked for hours like I never had to come back, I left the dark... I finally left those pillows, under them I’d left my scary stories… I hid them all of my life... now no more!
I moved under the rain... I wanted to wash away all of my filthy truths, they belong to me no more... I got scared once... thought its blood all over me, but it was that colorful sky… I closed my eyes and felt drops over my eyes, I danced!
It was all new for me ‘cause I forgot this pure way of feeling happy, that open sky dropping water selflessly, that sound never was so pleasant, that smell of sand never grabbed my attention…, I was little scared by this new holy shine.. It was so positive for me to take but there was a shadow of hope which holds my both hands.
I’ve been all tired, all hopeless, and all sad, I’ve been the worst, I’ve been my own enemy but somehow I locked those doors. That smile I was smiling never was the same before… I did clean all dust, all drugs, all blood strains, and all black ink and did put colorful flowers there. They were beautiful but always been dreadful for me. The flowers I been with were all burnt… I didn’t even remember what real color they owe... they were just black for me as they told me this is how it is... they kept me under dark and I grew up there.
I fought with everything, everything that comes my way to come over madness... I took every beautiful thing I’ve ever had and packed them with me few hopes and ran away.
I left there all the fake love under those old shoes... I don’t need them now!!

But I ignored!

Making noise with my shoes, I was walking behind some known people in half senses.., I was so high..! That grave and the smoke, her birth and some hopes.., it was paining again! That green was covering me from all over and I thought it was trapping my soul; out of the blue a leaf fell on my shoulder.., all moldy and dead! I was losing my mind, I tripped, I walked, I smiled, I talked…, I heard some laughs and some silent words, it was me talking to oneself, my partially smoked cigarette reminds me of you, but I ignored you, you don’t deserve to be there..! I saw the green lake.., blocked for a while and did wonder; my life is blue?  Is it drowning? Or dead in deep? But I ignored because it wasn’t the right time and there was something erroneous! I covered miles with people but I thought only of me and no-one else, that wintry weather wind followed me and murmured something in my ear but I ignored! My hands slipped in pockets.., that trail turned everlasting and my lips were wearing that broken smile.., I looked up and saw that running sky, I remember how you ran away when I was howling for your love, for you to sustain, to feed, for your motherly role, I wanted to fight back but I ignored and turned numb because I knew that there was something wrong! I walked again.., followed those same foots.., there was one tree in path but before it could come across we turned left.., it was beautiful enough to grab my attention. I walked slowly so that I could see it for long from side..! I felt myself walking in the dark cave and thought when will I crawl out of it, someone will come and hold me in arms and kiss me and hug me and ask me what is wrong.., but I ignored because I knew there was something wrong! Wrong with me! 

I thought I knew who I was!

I was looking deep into his small brown eyes, they were all empty... nothing was pouring out of them. I made myself a bit nearer to him, he was barely making any interaction...he might be disgusted by the bundle of thoughts running into his dark sides. I was numb just like a broken piece of lifeless leaf… I sensed him breathing deeply, that sound of rubbing clothes to skin. I was at ease in his shadow, I broke that butchery silence, ‘can I touch you?’ he gazed deep into me... like it was so odd, he lean back a bit but I read his face, I thought i did… I touched his fist that’s where I embraced him for the first time... I rushed all my fingers and then hold him politely; he was nervous but trying to cover it with veil. I rubbed my hand over him and felt like am touching myself… caressed his clothes, smelled his flesh… I touched his neck and kept myself moving but he was just stunned and locked as he never knew what is going on… what I feel like. I moved my hand from his shoulder and made it to his hands... I grabbed them and let him hold me in his arms...he did…he hugged me tight that I rubbed my face into his... I was soothed there… we puffed together, he was holding me but I broke there in million little pieces... I was still like was paralyzed… my heart was hammering like there was flood of blood pouring onto him... I wanted to scream… I felt insanity in my soul... I was confused but I unheeded my inner voice… I was in the illusory world where I knew no one can see me… that peace was absorbing death from earth... I wanted to die there… but I came back to life when he brushed his lips on my face,, I didn’t knew if I know that I have to kiss him but I did… I felt like a defeated soul searching for moksha. His lips were seeding life in me... But I pushed him in agony of love… he was stunned there… he was trembled by this... he gazed me in rage, but I know he noticed that fire burning into my eyes… I was about to shatter but I looked away... I didn’t want myself to fall apart like a stone in front of him... I cannot have myself doing that... I would better cut myself...that was the first time in a while I wasn’t staring him. He wanted to know the intention...but I was lost in the world where I didn’t even keep ‘I’ with me. I walked back and told him I can’t stay... he was paranoid for a second but then he struggled to come out of aggression... he fought himself and tried to hold me.. Stop me and make me stay but I only know who I was that time... I ran away... that wasn’t me there...that’s the only thing knifed into my mind in that phase…  I ran away cause I can’t see it, can’t see myself like that. I thought that I knew who I was…!