Achilles' heel!

 I fear from the fear of falling

Nobody can envision that I feel like crawling

I wait for long all nights to be asleep

‘Cause that’s when the haunt never weeps,

You met my monster that night on bed

When I was hungry for more and your blood was red

I desired you never but what else was left

I will pour your blood on devil’s head,

That dream was scary and I had no where left to go

I come back home where I never wanted to grow

The love they loved me never was my love

I never wanted to feel the Mourning dove,

My Deity died when he tried for me

Scars of sickness killed every piece of peace in me

To look good naked I pet perfection

I don’t want anyone to think even of rejection,

I feel pleased under the blanket of horror

What else can be the safest corner?

You name ‘love’ and I will show you how to escape

Because love always endures brutal rape…!

tail

In my tail stands a fire
to burn the urge of the valleys down south
to soothe the never ending itch 
Of Venus and her stacked maidens 
this pistol loaded to raise the entire consciousness
their minds
and yet the trigger is my eyes.

A studdy oak tree stands erect
On a fertile black land
Its stem turgid with sap in expectation of April.
Good-bye March.
With you came the thirst for the waters down south.

With your touch my veins are now bloody full

A serpent puffing amidst the shrubs
Possessed with the strength of a steed
Knodding in earnest on its return hole-ward.

Oh if ever the maidens of Helen did bruise thy heels,
today they thee embrace
to enumerate your sweetness and wonder
For with thee they are being loved and re-loved
And without thee, these maidens like petals wilt.

So i will take forth my splendour
crafted in love, fear and lust
For within the south , deep in the vallies 
It is April yesterday and the flowers 
Need tendering to bear fruits from the potion in my wand.

 (byAkuinor Gameli Cosi)

I don't really hate police!

I am aware of the fact that hatred for Indian police or police from everywhere is so damn high and at some level it is right. They are somewhat a part of corruption, they surely are egocentric about their own wealth, they could have done so much better for people than they do, they are wrong at many more levels. They are immoral but so are human beings. But we certainly forget this point when we blame them for everything that they are humans.

I am not denying it that people suffer a lot and their fault is that they don’t have authorities and when they get no help from people with power, they feel dreadful. But what we should also see is… that neither all humans are bad, neither lawyers, neither doctors, neither Police man.

It is easy to blame them, ‘because we have tendency to put the blame on someone… so be it god, fate, luck, police, or anything. What we don’t see is the other consequences of their life. We have all heard of this proverb “Every coin has two sides” but do we apply it, no.

They work numerous hours to serve us because they have to, they never have holidays like us, no Diwali no Holi, they don’t enjoy rain like us because they have to work under it for hours, they can’t blame sun, they can’t blame mood, people get drunk and commit crimes but we blame police, what we forget is that they are not god… they obviously can’t keep eye on every corner.  They are working under government; they cannot desire to take actions on their own. Yes they are wrong in some cases but not every time.  We all have propensity that we cannot work properly if we are upset or mentally irritated but police always works with criminals. Brutality, crime, corruption, fights, dead bodies- they always deal with this without any stress relieving facility but who can they blame…!

I have read an article this morning in newspaper which is an interview of a police man. Who says that”they don’t have shift system. They work for 12 hours constant and might still receive an urgent call which they can’t ignore. The control room services receive more than 24000 calls a day. Out of them 70% calls are not their concern like dogs, monkeys, electric or water supply and many more. They don’t have proper facilities or wealth to investigate a case; they don’t get vehicles to reach to the spot because there are 15-20 cops in each station with only 4 or 5 vehicles. Many of times their stations are placed terribly without minimum facilities like water, food and hygiene”.

In this corrupted society even kids are corrupted then why to blame on police only. We all are part of it. What wrong is “the system”.  We feel happy when we break rules and pay 100 rupees and go on. We never tell them that they are wrong; they should put us in the jail. But we cry loud when this wrong turns into disaster and hit us back.

We all know wrong is beneath us!!

Not an amorist...!

Sitting under blanket… whole face wrapped with a pillow, you cry your lungs out

You wait for the worst to come… you know you cannot stop yourself because you don’t want to… trying every single possibility you fail yourself

You do… you do what you have always escaped to answer your own self… you cut the blood out of you with that small blade… blood drops on the brown table… and you feel so contented…

You’re calm at this instant… that baleful dark and soundless silence seize your whole soul and mind, you wait to get melted… you breathe the name of god on your fault…

You walk on the lonely road slowly and hidden so that no one can see you…you’re competent of avoiding contact with the world of suffering.

No matter how bad you try to live ordinary simple loving life… your past haunts you… with the sword of heartrending memories… and reminds you of what is wrong in you… reminds you of your lost passion and love and life and emotion and care and sensitivity… reminds you of your lost human… you are a mad horrible monster inside… you are what is result of the sinful upbringing…

You cannot feel loved, cannot love even, you envy love that how he can love… your hatred is so robust that you cry for love but you can’t grab it… you run after it… but when it comes to you, you stab it in the neck like an filthy pig…

You desire no one… you are scared to desire or accept anything that you might lose it one day… your monstrous head gives you no control over him… he wants you to leave everything which sounds happy around you and surrender your soul in dark and die and crave and howl…

You struggle to live with a smile… you’re a lost mind… what is left in you is the both whore and the child… the child is absurdly abstruse and the whore is monstrously angry of love.

Jiya hai mene!

Har gam bada nahi hota.. har khushi cchoti nahi hoti…

Jab bhi, jahan bhi, jesi bhi beeti hai zindagi.. jee hai mene..!

Har us awaaz ko jo mere lie uthi hai

Har us alfaaz ko jo mere lie kaha gaya hai,

Har us kagaz ki naav ko

Har us ped ki cchav ko,

Jiya hai mene…

Badalte mausam ki aas ko

Bin badal barsaat ko,

Har patte ki aakhiri saans ko

Koyal ki us pyaas ko,

Jiya hai mene…

Aapno ki fizool daant ko

Inkaar me chuppi us haan ko,

Yaadon k karaar ko

Pyaar k izhaar ko

Jiya hai mene…

Un jhoote kasme vaadon ko

Sare rishte naton ko,

Har baat pe jhagadte yaaron ko

Dil cchune vali un baton ko,

Jiya hai mene…

Har sham k dhal janne ko

Aadhe sapno me jag janne ko,

Bewajah sabse ladne ko

Aansu baha kar chupane ko,

Har lamha jiya hai mene…

Diwali ki us roshni ko

Rishto me lipti chashni ko,

Har mausam ki us khusbhu ko

Har panchi ki us guftgu ko,

Jiya hai mene…

 Har deri k intezaar ko

Har vade k inkaar ko,

Lambi si un kahanio ko

Kitaab ki un nishanio ko,

Jiya hai mene…

Yaadon k sang tasveero ko

Dil se juddi lakeero ko,

Mitti me gande hojane ko

Yaaro k kaandhe pe sojane ko,

Jiya hai mene…

Bohot kuch khoya hai

Har is chiz ko pane mai,

Jeena aasaan hojata hai

Agar jeeta ho koi zindagi bitane mai…!

It’s hard to be imprudent!

You try so very hard no lose yourself in ignoring your subconscious… that love and sympathy is not what you wish for; in this phase of life… it’s hard for you to believe that your believe in you is helpless… the child in you still wants to get pampered but you always realize the matter of fact that you are an strong personality who ought to be bold and mature. You close your eyes to the lost love and live happily… your soul seemed to be moved on from the pain and broken desires… it is gone for you because that’s what you want to think about it, you don’t want to surrender your conscious into the deep hole of ‘needs’. Sometimes you like the pain but at least you don’t care to reveal it.  

Your dreams are insensitive, you run in dark like a blind… you fight with people… you cannot breathe because someone is over your chest and there is no space to move, you feel dead for some minutes… somehow somewhere running in the crowd you found your past love, you talk to him so normally like it was always the same… and unpredictably he hugs you in the middle of the crowd, you grasp the most peaceful breathe you could have ever had in your whole life, he holds you for so long and this is what you have always wanted from him. You wake up and realize it was just a dream… it breaks your heart but it was not the first time you had his dream… so you try to move on ignoring your feelings. You wonder all day long about that cuddliness, that never-ending peace.

You feel that you feel contented in life and you live it. You are happy in your every day routine and you like fixing small things up but you never had a heart to fix the major rupture deep within you. You don’t believe that God is faulty for anything neither you blame him ‘cause you know the meaning of his existence but somewhere in deep back you want to blame someone… you want your evil to fight God… you want to feel blithe by putting your blames on him… but you never do it because you know this is not how your life works. In a meanwhile you lose all your elegance of loving anyone… no grace left in you to be with someone.

You don’t feel your pains because you have disregarded them so much because there were so many to be cared for. And when you want to sense them, you crave to get beaten, get cut, and get bruised all over because this is how you feel them… blood is what pleases you.

Your body crave for some wild urges… you touch yourself from top to bottom and stroke yourself… you fondle yourself more n more until you get the pleasure… you cut yourself in the end and taste your blood. But you ignore everything else and think nothing… because this is how it works with you and you like it… you like being like this.

unfathomable death!

Every time I gaze into the mirror, it reminds me of the terrible blemish … years of pain… those gruesome eyes of humans… grievous memories… every time I face that ugly face I die thousand times… everything around me become deaden, all I can see is black… black shadow with soaked blood and then the shiniest flash of light that cuts eyes in deep… all I hear is the scream of someone dying, devil tears the soul from body and take it with him.

Standing on the crest of the mountain… the fire is all around me… I scream for life, it reminds me of my childhood… blood dripping out of each aperture of my body… I shout and cry but no one hears it, it feels like a only human living on the scariest planet… the heat of fire is burning me in the pale light of moon… the one who can hear me screaming is my shadow and that too envy me.

I am running in the dark… I can see beasts around me… they have no face, something black and revolting they hold… I don’t know the way neither I know myself… all I do is run… I run for life, I run to kill the exasperation… I run to find my lost self...believing my blind eyes I just run… out of the blue I fall onto something… I get up and see it… I run again and scream to facilitate… that smell of the burned dead body is sullying my spirit… I can’t forget that spitefulness… I cry why I fell onto that… and I run… after eternity I run for no reason but I just run…

I was trying to live serene… I was dreaming fairytales… but I don’t know why I didn't feel the harmony… I cut myself deep and taste my blood… smoke some weed… I smoke it more and drink it all and then I feel fine…. I start walking and my walk was never-ending but I lay down somewhere on wet dark mud… one specter come and start snatching me from legs… he tear my clothes and eat me… eat my soul and my life and throw me into ocean… I feel myself deep into water… all I can feel is the cold water, my deep warm breathe liquefy in water… and slowly I become still and feel the vanished peace. I feel that eternity… I hear it and see it-my lost peace.