Not an amorist...!

Sitting under blanket… whole face wrapped with a pillow, you cry your lungs out

You wait for the worst to come… you know you cannot stop yourself because you don’t want to… trying every single possibility you fail yourself

You do… you do what you have always escaped to answer your own self… you cut the blood out of you with that small blade… blood drops on the brown table… and you feel so contented…

You’re calm at this instant… that baleful dark and soundless silence seize your whole soul and mind, you wait to get melted… you breathe the name of god on your fault…

You walk on the lonely road slowly and hidden so that no one can see you…you’re competent of avoiding contact with the world of suffering.

No matter how bad you try to live ordinary simple loving life… your past haunts you… with the sword of heartrending memories… and reminds you of what is wrong in you… reminds you of your lost passion and love and life and emotion and care and sensitivity… reminds you of your lost human… you are a mad horrible monster inside… you are what is result of the sinful upbringing…

You cannot feel loved, cannot love even, you envy love that how he can love… your hatred is so robust that you cry for love but you can’t grab it… you run after it… but when it comes to you, you stab it in the neck like an filthy pig…

You desire no one… you are scared to desire or accept anything that you might lose it one day… your monstrous head gives you no control over him… he wants you to leave everything which sounds happy around you and surrender your soul in dark and die and crave and howl…

You struggle to live with a smile… you’re a lost mind… what is left in you is the both whore and the child… the child is absurdly abstruse and the whore is monstrously angry of love.

Jiya hai mene!

Har gam bada nahi hota.. har khushi cchoti nahi hoti…

Jab bhi, jahan bhi, jesi bhi beeti hai zindagi.. jee hai mene..!

Har us awaaz ko jo mere lie uthi hai

Har us alfaaz ko jo mere lie kaha gaya hai,

Har us kagaz ki naav ko

Har us ped ki cchav ko,

Jiya hai mene…

Badalte mausam ki aas ko

Bin badal barsaat ko,

Har patte ki aakhiri saans ko

Koyal ki us pyaas ko,

Jiya hai mene…

Aapno ki fizool daant ko

Inkaar me chuppi us haan ko,

Yaadon k karaar ko

Pyaar k izhaar ko

Jiya hai mene…

Un jhoote kasme vaadon ko

Sare rishte naton ko,

Har baat pe jhagadte yaaron ko

Dil cchune vali un baton ko,

Jiya hai mene…

Har sham k dhal janne ko

Aadhe sapno me jag janne ko,

Bewajah sabse ladne ko

Aansu baha kar chupane ko,

Har lamha jiya hai mene…

Diwali ki us roshni ko

Rishto me lipti chashni ko,

Har mausam ki us khusbhu ko

Har panchi ki us guftgu ko,

Jiya hai mene…

 Har deri k intezaar ko

Har vade k inkaar ko,

Lambi si un kahanio ko

Kitaab ki un nishanio ko,

Jiya hai mene…

Yaadon k sang tasveero ko

Dil se juddi lakeero ko,

Mitti me gande hojane ko

Yaaro k kaandhe pe sojane ko,

Jiya hai mene…

Bohot kuch khoya hai

Har is chiz ko pane mai,

Jeena aasaan hojata hai

Agar jeeta ho koi zindagi bitane mai…!

It’s hard to be imprudent!

You try so very hard no lose yourself in ignoring your subconscious… that love and sympathy is not what you wish for; in this phase of life… it’s hard for you to believe that your believe in you is helpless… the child in you still wants to get pampered but you always realize the matter of fact that you are an strong personality who ought to be bold and mature. You close your eyes to the lost love and live happily… your soul seemed to be moved on from the pain and broken desires… it is gone for you because that’s what you want to think about it, you don’t want to surrender your conscious into the deep hole of ‘needs’. Sometimes you like the pain but at least you don’t care to reveal it.  

Your dreams are insensitive, you run in dark like a blind… you fight with people… you cannot breathe because someone is over your chest and there is no space to move, you feel dead for some minutes… somehow somewhere running in the crowd you found your past love, you talk to him so normally like it was always the same… and unpredictably he hugs you in the middle of the crowd, you grasp the most peaceful breathe you could have ever had in your whole life, he holds you for so long and this is what you have always wanted from him. You wake up and realize it was just a dream… it breaks your heart but it was not the first time you had his dream… so you try to move on ignoring your feelings. You wonder all day long about that cuddliness, that never-ending peace.

You feel that you feel contented in life and you live it. You are happy in your every day routine and you like fixing small things up but you never had a heart to fix the major rupture deep within you. You don’t believe that God is faulty for anything neither you blame him ‘cause you know the meaning of his existence but somewhere in deep back you want to blame someone… you want your evil to fight God… you want to feel blithe by putting your blames on him… but you never do it because you know this is not how your life works. In a meanwhile you lose all your elegance of loving anyone… no grace left in you to be with someone.

You don’t feel your pains because you have disregarded them so much because there were so many to be cared for. And when you want to sense them, you crave to get beaten, get cut, and get bruised all over because this is how you feel them… blood is what pleases you.

Your body crave for some wild urges… you touch yourself from top to bottom and stroke yourself… you fondle yourself more n more until you get the pleasure… you cut yourself in the end and taste your blood. But you ignore everything else and think nothing… because this is how it works with you and you like it… you like being like this.

unfathomable death!

Every time I gaze into the mirror, it reminds me of the terrible blemish … years of pain… those gruesome eyes of humans… grievous memories… every time I face that ugly face I die thousand times… everything around me become deaden, all I can see is black… black shadow with soaked blood and then the shiniest flash of light that cuts eyes in deep… all I hear is the scream of someone dying, devil tears the soul from body and take it with him.

Standing on the crest of the mountain… the fire is all around me… I scream for life, it reminds me of my childhood… blood dripping out of each aperture of my body… I shout and cry but no one hears it, it feels like a only human living on the scariest planet… the heat of fire is burning me in the pale light of moon… the one who can hear me screaming is my shadow and that too envy me.

I am running in the dark… I can see beasts around me… they have no face, something black and revolting they hold… I don’t know the way neither I know myself… all I do is run… I run for life, I run to kill the exasperation… I run to find my lost self...believing my blind eyes I just run… out of the blue I fall onto something… I get up and see it… I run again and scream to facilitate… that smell of the burned dead body is sullying my spirit… I can’t forget that spitefulness… I cry why I fell onto that… and I run… after eternity I run for no reason but I just run…

I was trying to live serene… I was dreaming fairytales… but I don’t know why I didn't feel the harmony… I cut myself deep and taste my blood… smoke some weed… I smoke it more and drink it all and then I feel fine…. I start walking and my walk was never-ending but I lay down somewhere on wet dark mud… one specter come and start snatching me from legs… he tear my clothes and eat me… eat my soul and my life and throw me into ocean… I feel myself deep into water… all I can feel is the cold water, my deep warm breathe liquefy in water… and slowly I become still and feel the vanished peace. I feel that eternity… I hear it and see it-my lost peace.  

WOMAN!

One of the great philosophers says “I think therefore I exists” but the scenario nowadays is people don’t think, they are just living like vegetables. From where you start your day… you end up standing at the same end. World covered under four walls is enough for you to live… It’s not about you can’t get anything else, it’s about you don’t even think of having it… you don’t even dream it.

It will be wrong to say that men are all faulty for whatever discrimination woman face in this world. I want to draw everybody’s attention of what I think about the women fault:

They can bear harassment on daily basis, while travelling on bus, metro everywhere. But what they do about it, just wonder and cry for few hours and then live like the same because mumma has always told us to stay far from bad people, well! These bad people have no guts to do anything if you will to stop them… your eyes are so prevailing but the things is you never wondered you can do anything. You love to be a little baby doll who don’t have time to fight for herself but cry when her jannu fights with her.  You don’t want to show any body your hard core attitude because you are busy texting your boyfriend which is the most interesting lame conversation about your bathing eating and sleeping. It’s not about you should leave living and pick up sword to kill people; it’s about you can do many things productive in life rather wondering about the stupidest stuff. And then it doesn't matter what it is, either you fight in your class-room for your right or fight in parliament.

You hit each other while walking in hurry but never ever give any apology but when any guy do the same to you… you cry for apologies... but it’s insane! How can he just hit you… he must have done that for a reason because you are most beautiful star alive. You can’t offer seat to an old women because you are tired too but when same happens with your own people… you definitely gets mad. Why you are so mean and careless about life, why? Why your world revolves around your relationships and few friends… why can’t you give life a second thought; just because you are so hurt by your breakups? You don’t have a bit of individuality in yourself… you are not strong enough to face the difficulties alone… even though you are not strong enough to go college alone… you call your boyfriend to drop you… you don’t cut your hairs because he likes it long and you love it when he calls you BABY!(like what the hell is wrong with you? You’re a baby?). Don’t you know it affects your persona… these small things you learn to sacrifice of your own and suppress them but they end up becoming disaster one day you and lose your own self… because you always wanted to be someone’s daughter, someone’s mother, and someone’s wife-that’s all you have ever thought be.

Your parents are orthodox and they want you to get married and you do it… because you are a weak sad girl. You cry why you are born girl but you never wonder about fighting or taking any stand. There are many who take stands and are proud on themselves but what you do is ignore them and cries, because you are in the most difficult situation of the world. If you accept that your parents are right and you should get married because you are 2o years old and after all you have to get married one day so why not now. Your 30 years old richi rich will keep you happy (now that you don’t have any identity go adopt some else’s) and you do it. Well you should die then.  You were born to be nothing… your existence is worthless more than a dustbin. You will cry for women rights and obviously your part of contribution would have done nothing. (And yes it’s easy to get married rather to fight hard).

Fact:Everybody will get their right but never women… because they are not UNITED… there is not a pinch of respect in woman’s eye for another. They will for sure notice their shades of lipsticks or nail paints but never their madness. They never give a damn about others life by saying a simple thing that it’s not their life and they don’t have any right to interfere... Either one dies in this sexist world.  It’s an old say a woman is woman’s enemy; and in fact it’s somewhere true. They can’t see each other happy either they will admit it or not. (If you’ll think about it you surely have a name in your mind: woman who is sadist or jealous).

You cry for years but never took any step because your situations were very hard and god wasn't with you and you pray for mercy. What you think you are doing? You think this is the most hard core thing you have done in life and you admit you have seen life by talking no step for your own life because your situation weren't with you. Ha!  _ Every being get chances, it’s just  you have to be aware of what it is… it’s easy to cry and become sad/ depressed but it’s hard to take steps and struggle. Everyone face difficulties and that’s what life is… but sitting and wondering is no solution. But oh! You can do nothing because you don’t know what to do… the ultimate solution you can give to yourself and everybody else that you never knew what to do in this situation and you were all alone, you didn't had anybody.  Then you might also know that there are millions of people who live whole of their life’s alone… or bought up in orphans... they all doesn't die.

At least start thinking, give life your thoughts… thinking is the beginning of everything... think why are you here… what you have to do… life is a psychedelic game… play it with mind… leave all the shit behind and think… at least think… I am sure you’ll end up doing anything intelligent if you are in right trail. Go beyond your limitations and watch yourself fly. You are the only one who can do anything for you.

Blue!

Sitting on the stone of lonesome feeling
Grave of my soul don’ no why still breathing;
Wrapped under the folkloric white
Feeling so sick! Counting stars in the bright.

Those smell of burnt red chillies
Scorching me like some dead greeneries;
Black giant eyes on my head all the time
Felt so appalled for hours long nine.

While bloodless fight with my own heart
I shouted on my unseen flow chart;
Cups tripped aside filled with blood
 No desire to live this place so absurd.

Hanged my head back on the chair
Eyes triggered evil words ‘it’s not fair’;
Nothing worse than feeling none
I felt so ugly breathing in this position.

Egoist

I am disgusted by the way your judgements are falling down now… I hate to see you being wrong as you have never been with me… your affection doesn't blesses me now… we were one soul of power and love but I can’t feel that now… I can’t sense the intoxicating connection… that weakness in it makes me weak…I don’t want anything from you cause I think there is nothing left to ask for… as I am not suppose to ask anything ever…

You don’t love me when I want you do…You don’t hate me when I want you do…You don’t become happy when I want you to be…You don’t become happy from me when I want you to be…You are wrong now, when I want you to be perfect… as it is suppose to be after the eternity of perfection…

I pray sometimes to god to forgive and forget this immoral hatred I’d formed for you but I can’t help it, you had no right to disappoint me when I am still following the same picture you have drawn of me in your mind, I hate you for forming the unfaithful intentions and even no blasphemy stopped you.

Love has its own rules… you taught me… you had held my hand and tell me to follow the elegance, the bliss… I am still there waiting for you… but I never understood where you left me alone… where the dark had made me blind and I was unable to see you anymore... my hands still know your touch… where are you? You promised me that you will be faithful in this story. We had designed endlessness and there is no way out of it. But you did, you broke the promise and I still stand there but I don’t expect you to be there now… so don’t disappoint me this time… cause I am comfortable being sad.

We still laugh, we still talk, we stalk walk, we are still alive but why don’t you see the disparity… why didn't you noticed when I was separating my soul from yours… you seemed happy… you were always unaware of the disappointment you’d thrown onto me… you pretended that you don’t know when to love n hate… when to cry n wait, when to smile n appreciate… you pretended not to know. You pretended not to know your selfish diplomacy… you acted innocent… I'd perceive that bravery of yours. You have grown stronger in being wrong. That vanity in your innocence has drawn you to pretend the falseness that you have elapsed now the truth of it. You believe the lie and you live it purely without any puzzlement.

You flowed like a breath in me… deep you went… you covered the whole soul of mine… you coloured it your favorite one… you painted it with the love brush… and stamped the belief of permanence … how I am suppose to leave you here now? It’s turning impossible for me to end this affair of pure sanity or vanity. You are rooted deep in my world. I cannot cut you from there even if I want to do it, before my death.