tail

In my tail stands a fire
to burn the urge of the valleys down south
to soothe the never ending itch 
Of Venus and her stacked maidens 
this pistol loaded to raise the entire consciousness
their minds
and yet the trigger is my eyes.

A studdy oak tree stands erect
On a fertile black land
Its stem turgid with sap in expectation of April.
Good-bye March.
With you came the thirst for the waters down south.

With your touch my veins are now bloody full

A serpent puffing amidst the shrubs
Possessed with the strength of a steed
Knodding in earnest on its return hole-ward.

Oh if ever the maidens of Helen did bruise thy heels,
today they thee embrace
to enumerate your sweetness and wonder
For with thee they are being loved and re-loved
And without thee, these maidens like petals wilt.

So i will take forth my splendour
crafted in love, fear and lust
For within the south , deep in the vallies 
It is April yesterday and the flowers 
Need tendering to bear fruits from the potion in my wand.

 (byAkuinor Gameli Cosi)

I don't really hate police!

I am aware of the fact that hatred for Indian police or police from everywhere is so damn high and at some level it is right. They are somewhat a part of corruption, they surely are egocentric about their own wealth, they could have done so much better for people than they do, they are wrong at many more levels. They are immoral but so are human beings. But we certainly forget this point when we blame them for everything that they are humans.

I am not denying it that people suffer a lot and their fault is that they don’t have authorities and when they get no help from people with power, they feel dreadful. But what we should also see is… that neither all humans are bad, neither lawyers, neither doctors, neither Police man.

It is easy to blame them, ‘because we have tendency to put the blame on someone… so be it god, fate, luck, police, or anything. What we don’t see is the other consequences of their life. We have all heard of this proverb “Every coin has two sides” but do we apply it, no.

They work numerous hours to serve us because they have to, they never have holidays like us, no Diwali no Holi, they don’t enjoy rain like us because they have to work under it for hours, they can’t blame sun, they can’t blame mood, people get drunk and commit crimes but we blame police, what we forget is that they are not god… they obviously can’t keep eye on every corner.  They are working under government; they cannot desire to take actions on their own. Yes they are wrong in some cases but not every time.  We all have propensity that we cannot work properly if we are upset or mentally irritated but police always works with criminals. Brutality, crime, corruption, fights, dead bodies- they always deal with this without any stress relieving facility but who can they blame…!

I have read an article this morning in newspaper which is an interview of a police man. Who says that”they don’t have shift system. They work for 12 hours constant and might still receive an urgent call which they can’t ignore. The control room services receive more than 24000 calls a day. Out of them 70% calls are not their concern like dogs, monkeys, electric or water supply and many more. They don’t have proper facilities or wealth to investigate a case; they don’t get vehicles to reach to the spot because there are 15-20 cops in each station with only 4 or 5 vehicles. Many of times their stations are placed terribly without minimum facilities like water, food and hygiene”.

In this corrupted society even kids are corrupted then why to blame on police only. We all are part of it. What wrong is “the system”.  We feel happy when we break rules and pay 100 rupees and go on. We never tell them that they are wrong; they should put us in the jail. But we cry loud when this wrong turns into disaster and hit us back.

We all know wrong is beneath us!!

Not an amorist...!

Sitting under blanket… whole face wrapped with a pillow, you cry your lungs out

You wait for the worst to come… you know you cannot stop yourself because you don’t want to… trying every single possibility you fail yourself

You do… you do what you have always escaped to answer your own self… you cut the blood out of you with that small blade… blood drops on the brown table… and you feel so contented…

You’re calm at this instant… that baleful dark and soundless silence seize your whole soul and mind, you wait to get melted… you breathe the name of god on your fault…

You walk on the lonely road slowly and hidden so that no one can see you…you’re competent of avoiding contact with the world of suffering.

No matter how bad you try to live ordinary simple loving life… your past haunts you… with the sword of heartrending memories… and reminds you of what is wrong in you… reminds you of your lost passion and love and life and emotion and care and sensitivity… reminds you of your lost human… you are a mad horrible monster inside… you are what is result of the sinful upbringing…

You cannot feel loved, cannot love even, you envy love that how he can love… your hatred is so robust that you cry for love but you can’t grab it… you run after it… but when it comes to you, you stab it in the neck like an filthy pig…

You desire no one… you are scared to desire or accept anything that you might lose it one day… your monstrous head gives you no control over him… he wants you to leave everything which sounds happy around you and surrender your soul in dark and die and crave and howl…

You struggle to live with a smile… you’re a lost mind… what is left in you is the both whore and the child… the child is absurdly abstruse and the whore is monstrously angry of love.

Jiya hai mene!

Har gam bada nahi hota.. har khushi cchoti nahi hoti…

Jab bhi, jahan bhi, jesi bhi beeti hai zindagi.. jee hai mene..!

Har us awaaz ko jo mere lie uthi hai

Har us alfaaz ko jo mere lie kaha gaya hai,

Har us kagaz ki naav ko

Har us ped ki cchav ko,

Jiya hai mene…

Badalte mausam ki aas ko

Bin badal barsaat ko,

Har patte ki aakhiri saans ko

Koyal ki us pyaas ko,

Jiya hai mene…

Aapno ki fizool daant ko

Inkaar me chuppi us haan ko,

Yaadon k karaar ko

Pyaar k izhaar ko

Jiya hai mene…

Un jhoote kasme vaadon ko

Sare rishte naton ko,

Har baat pe jhagadte yaaron ko

Dil cchune vali un baton ko,

Jiya hai mene…

Har sham k dhal janne ko

Aadhe sapno me jag janne ko,

Bewajah sabse ladne ko

Aansu baha kar chupane ko,

Har lamha jiya hai mene…

Diwali ki us roshni ko

Rishto me lipti chashni ko,

Har mausam ki us khusbhu ko

Har panchi ki us guftgu ko,

Jiya hai mene…

 Har deri k intezaar ko

Har vade k inkaar ko,

Lambi si un kahanio ko

Kitaab ki un nishanio ko,

Jiya hai mene…

Yaadon k sang tasveero ko

Dil se juddi lakeero ko,

Mitti me gande hojane ko

Yaaro k kaandhe pe sojane ko,

Jiya hai mene…

Bohot kuch khoya hai

Har is chiz ko pane mai,

Jeena aasaan hojata hai

Agar jeeta ho koi zindagi bitane mai…!

It’s hard to be imprudent!

You try so very hard no lose yourself in ignoring your subconscious… that love and sympathy is not what you wish for; in this phase of life… it’s hard for you to believe that your believe in you is helpless… the child in you still wants to get pampered but you always realize the matter of fact that you are an strong personality who ought to be bold and mature. You close your eyes to the lost love and live happily… your soul seemed to be moved on from the pain and broken desires… it is gone for you because that’s what you want to think about it, you don’t want to surrender your conscious into the deep hole of ‘needs’. Sometimes you like the pain but at least you don’t care to reveal it.  

Your dreams are insensitive, you run in dark like a blind… you fight with people… you cannot breathe because someone is over your chest and there is no space to move, you feel dead for some minutes… somehow somewhere running in the crowd you found your past love, you talk to him so normally like it was always the same… and unpredictably he hugs you in the middle of the crowd, you grasp the most peaceful breathe you could have ever had in your whole life, he holds you for so long and this is what you have always wanted from him. You wake up and realize it was just a dream… it breaks your heart but it was not the first time you had his dream… so you try to move on ignoring your feelings. You wonder all day long about that cuddliness, that never-ending peace.

You feel that you feel contented in life and you live it. You are happy in your every day routine and you like fixing small things up but you never had a heart to fix the major rupture deep within you. You don’t believe that God is faulty for anything neither you blame him ‘cause you know the meaning of his existence but somewhere in deep back you want to blame someone… you want your evil to fight God… you want to feel blithe by putting your blames on him… but you never do it because you know this is not how your life works. In a meanwhile you lose all your elegance of loving anyone… no grace left in you to be with someone.

You don’t feel your pains because you have disregarded them so much because there were so many to be cared for. And when you want to sense them, you crave to get beaten, get cut, and get bruised all over because this is how you feel them… blood is what pleases you.

Your body crave for some wild urges… you touch yourself from top to bottom and stroke yourself… you fondle yourself more n more until you get the pleasure… you cut yourself in the end and taste your blood. But you ignore everything else and think nothing… because this is how it works with you and you like it… you like being like this.

unfathomable death!

Every time I gaze into the mirror, it reminds me of the terrible blemish … years of pain… those gruesome eyes of humans… grievous memories… every time I face that ugly face I die thousand times… everything around me become deaden, all I can see is black… black shadow with soaked blood and then the shiniest flash of light that cuts eyes in deep… all I hear is the scream of someone dying, devil tears the soul from body and take it with him.

Standing on the crest of the mountain… the fire is all around me… I scream for life, it reminds me of my childhood… blood dripping out of each aperture of my body… I shout and cry but no one hears it, it feels like a only human living on the scariest planet… the heat of fire is burning me in the pale light of moon… the one who can hear me screaming is my shadow and that too envy me.

I am running in the dark… I can see beasts around me… they have no face, something black and revolting they hold… I don’t know the way neither I know myself… all I do is run… I run for life, I run to kill the exasperation… I run to find my lost self...believing my blind eyes I just run… out of the blue I fall onto something… I get up and see it… I run again and scream to facilitate… that smell of the burned dead body is sullying my spirit… I can’t forget that spitefulness… I cry why I fell onto that… and I run… after eternity I run for no reason but I just run…

I was trying to live serene… I was dreaming fairytales… but I don’t know why I didn't feel the harmony… I cut myself deep and taste my blood… smoke some weed… I smoke it more and drink it all and then I feel fine…. I start walking and my walk was never-ending but I lay down somewhere on wet dark mud… one specter come and start snatching me from legs… he tear my clothes and eat me… eat my soul and my life and throw me into ocean… I feel myself deep into water… all I can feel is the cold water, my deep warm breathe liquefy in water… and slowly I become still and feel the vanished peace. I feel that eternity… I hear it and see it-my lost peace.  

WOMAN!

One of the great philosophers says “I think therefore I exists” but the scenario nowadays is people don’t think, they are just living like vegetables. From where you start your day… you end up standing at the same end. World covered under four walls is enough for you to live… It’s not about you can’t get anything else, it’s about you don’t even think of having it… you don’t even dream it.

It will be wrong to say that men are all faulty for whatever discrimination woman face in this world. I want to draw everybody’s attention of what I think about the women fault:

They can bear harassment on daily basis, while travelling on bus, metro everywhere. But what they do about it, just wonder and cry for few hours and then live like the same because mumma has always told us to stay far from bad people, well! These bad people have no guts to do anything if you will to stop them… your eyes are so prevailing but the things is you never wondered you can do anything. You love to be a little baby doll who don’t have time to fight for herself but cry when her jannu fights with her.  You don’t want to show any body your hard core attitude because you are busy texting your boyfriend which is the most interesting lame conversation about your bathing eating and sleeping. It’s not about you should leave living and pick up sword to kill people; it’s about you can do many things productive in life rather wondering about the stupidest stuff. And then it doesn't matter what it is, either you fight in your class-room for your right or fight in parliament.

You hit each other while walking in hurry but never ever give any apology but when any guy do the same to you… you cry for apologies... but it’s insane! How can he just hit you… he must have done that for a reason because you are most beautiful star alive. You can’t offer seat to an old women because you are tired too but when same happens with your own people… you definitely gets mad. Why you are so mean and careless about life, why? Why your world revolves around your relationships and few friends… why can’t you give life a second thought; just because you are so hurt by your breakups? You don’t have a bit of individuality in yourself… you are not strong enough to face the difficulties alone… even though you are not strong enough to go college alone… you call your boyfriend to drop you… you don’t cut your hairs because he likes it long and you love it when he calls you BABY!(like what the hell is wrong with you? You’re a baby?). Don’t you know it affects your persona… these small things you learn to sacrifice of your own and suppress them but they end up becoming disaster one day you and lose your own self… because you always wanted to be someone’s daughter, someone’s mother, and someone’s wife-that’s all you have ever thought be.

Your parents are orthodox and they want you to get married and you do it… because you are a weak sad girl. You cry why you are born girl but you never wonder about fighting or taking any stand. There are many who take stands and are proud on themselves but what you do is ignore them and cries, because you are in the most difficult situation of the world. If you accept that your parents are right and you should get married because you are 2o years old and after all you have to get married one day so why not now. Your 30 years old richi rich will keep you happy (now that you don’t have any identity go adopt some else’s) and you do it. Well you should die then.  You were born to be nothing… your existence is worthless more than a dustbin. You will cry for women rights and obviously your part of contribution would have done nothing. (And yes it’s easy to get married rather to fight hard).

Fact:Everybody will get their right but never women… because they are not UNITED… there is not a pinch of respect in woman’s eye for another. They will for sure notice their shades of lipsticks or nail paints but never their madness. They never give a damn about others life by saying a simple thing that it’s not their life and they don’t have any right to interfere... Either one dies in this sexist world.  It’s an old say a woman is woman’s enemy; and in fact it’s somewhere true. They can’t see each other happy either they will admit it or not. (If you’ll think about it you surely have a name in your mind: woman who is sadist or jealous).

You cry for years but never took any step because your situations were very hard and god wasn't with you and you pray for mercy. What you think you are doing? You think this is the most hard core thing you have done in life and you admit you have seen life by talking no step for your own life because your situation weren't with you. Ha!  _ Every being get chances, it’s just  you have to be aware of what it is… it’s easy to cry and become sad/ depressed but it’s hard to take steps and struggle. Everyone face difficulties and that’s what life is… but sitting and wondering is no solution. But oh! You can do nothing because you don’t know what to do… the ultimate solution you can give to yourself and everybody else that you never knew what to do in this situation and you were all alone, you didn't had anybody.  Then you might also know that there are millions of people who live whole of their life’s alone… or bought up in orphans... they all doesn't die.

At least start thinking, give life your thoughts… thinking is the beginning of everything... think why are you here… what you have to do… life is a psychedelic game… play it with mind… leave all the shit behind and think… at least think… I am sure you’ll end up doing anything intelligent if you are in right trail. Go beyond your limitations and watch yourself fly. You are the only one who can do anything for you.

Blue!

Sitting on the stone of lonesome feeling
Grave of my soul don’ no why still breathing;
Wrapped under the folkloric white
Feeling so sick! Counting stars in the bright.

Those smell of burnt red chillies
Scorching me like some dead greeneries;
Black giant eyes on my head all the time
Felt so appalled for hours long nine.

While bloodless fight with my own heart
I shouted on my unseen flow chart;
Cups tripped aside filled with blood
 No desire to live this place so absurd.

Hanged my head back on the chair
Eyes triggered evil words ‘it’s not fair’;
Nothing worse than feeling none
I felt so ugly breathing in this position.

Egoist

I am disgusted by the way your judgements are falling down now… I hate to see you being wrong as you have never been with me… your affection doesn't blesses me now… we were one soul of power and love but I can’t feel that now… I can’t sense the intoxicating connection… that weakness in it makes me weak…I don’t want anything from you cause I think there is nothing left to ask for… as I am not suppose to ask anything ever…

You don’t love me when I want you do…You don’t hate me when I want you do…You don’t become happy when I want you to be…You don’t become happy from me when I want you to be…You are wrong now, when I want you to be perfect… as it is suppose to be after the eternity of perfection…

I pray sometimes to god to forgive and forget this immoral hatred I’d formed for you but I can’t help it, you had no right to disappoint me when I am still following the same picture you have drawn of me in your mind, I hate you for forming the unfaithful intentions and even no blasphemy stopped you.

Love has its own rules… you taught me… you had held my hand and tell me to follow the elegance, the bliss… I am still there waiting for you… but I never understood where you left me alone… where the dark had made me blind and I was unable to see you anymore... my hands still know your touch… where are you? You promised me that you will be faithful in this story. We had designed endlessness and there is no way out of it. But you did, you broke the promise and I still stand there but I don’t expect you to be there now… so don’t disappoint me this time… cause I am comfortable being sad.

We still laugh, we still talk, we stalk walk, we are still alive but why don’t you see the disparity… why didn't you noticed when I was separating my soul from yours… you seemed happy… you were always unaware of the disappointment you’d thrown onto me… you pretended that you don’t know when to love n hate… when to cry n wait, when to smile n appreciate… you pretended not to know. You pretended not to know your selfish diplomacy… you acted innocent… I'd perceive that bravery of yours. You have grown stronger in being wrong. That vanity in your innocence has drawn you to pretend the falseness that you have elapsed now the truth of it. You believe the lie and you live it purely without any puzzlement.

You flowed like a breath in me… deep you went… you covered the whole soul of mine… you coloured it your favorite one… you painted it with the love brush… and stamped the belief of permanence … how I am suppose to leave you here now? It’s turning impossible for me to end this affair of pure sanity or vanity. You are rooted deep in my world. I cannot cut you from there even if I want to do it, before my death.

To celebrate 'us'...

I never had an urge to write about it earlier but today I am trying to write it, not all… but yes my few stances, because it’s not viable for me pull out everything from my heart. It’s peculiar in me that I can’t share everything.

One fine day under the sparkling sun, I began to think again, all about that war. I know I am young; but that appealing pain is out of control. The pain in billions eyes, which history books can never define. The separation of two souls, the separation of lives... the separation of shadow of those two that were born to walk together.

Many of times I have seen the old souls crying blood from eyes when the memories of their childhood hit them in blue. So much they have seen, so much that we can’t even imagine. But yes we can feel the pain; we can try to feel what they feel. They have seen that great love turning into disaster... they have seen Islam hugging Hinduism with heart of all graces… Yes! This is what I am talking about... SEPARATION… separation of Pak – Hind. I know I have never seen them together but still I feel the pain, there still are some left ashes over small pieces of burning coal.

I remember one précised moment when I was sitting with my grand-maa and she was sharing her tales of life… and suddenly she became sadden and said ‘I would want to die on my birth ground’… I have never felt so helpless that I’d felt that day.

I see how people behave in the state of indifference whenever I try to talk about this… about separation… about cause… about religion… They know from heart that I am right but they will never grant me this, that it is not about the fight of who did... it’s about why did. I am still driving on my belief about religion that ‘they are not my idols’ but I know somewhat they connect people. How cultures give colors of divine in air of life. How it is bliss to walk with different believes.  I know there are still people who believe it was a disaster for humanity, it was unacceptable to tear off love but on the other end there still are people who think it was right to kill, it was right to split souls of billions, it was right to separate color of love and culture and even they did,, they did separated red from green and green from red. They snatched the charm of celebrating togetherness. And now it doesn’t even bother us… we don’t bother to wish each other in our special days… I wish we could have done that… I wish it was possible to celebrate god together. Nobody will stop me if I will to do… but I don’t want to do it alone… I want to do it with them… forgetting about what has ever happened… I want to celebrate it purely... neither theirs nor ours… I WANT TO CELEBRATE US! I am born with the thought of harmony and I wonder if they feel the same… do they also want to celebrate our color our fire our life too? I wonder in blue…

I remember I felt very disheartened when I was looking at our old flags in library. The symbol of togetherness… I was lost in my imaginations and for a second believed that it is still alive. Those images my mind shaped in a moment that I can’t stop myself thinking about it over n over again. I don’t know what I have to do but I know I will love the idea of togetherness till I die. It’s impossible for me to elaborate the connection I feel with them… they are part of me… Ignoring the immature behaviors of both I will love them… because hate isn’t inborn in me.

“Poets cried million tears till they fallen asleep

Why thee chosen war instead of peace,

Tell me o lord! The difference in their sun n ours

 The difference in their smiles n tears

Millions died in the hope to meet again

Thee separated us in infinite little pieces and left us in vain “

It's worsening!

There are wires circled around my neck

I thought of learning wisdom but it’s desecrate for my every breathe,

I see myself numb in salvation

Even book on the name of Christ causing mortification!

That day I’d hold a pen and wrote my brain

I thought am so young but good in this game’

With charm on my face, heart on race, and in hopes of grace

I moved to grab it, grab it all but I was filled with disgrace!

I tried! I turned back but again I tried, until I hated it to death

I was helpless, helpless for my shadow and helpless to death,

I was running in the race I have had lost so many times

I still face the shit of losing it with disgusting minds!

But what should I do? I’d have no answer to speak

Challenge is my life, I accepted though I was so weak,

Blue ink, red blood, black mind, and I am losing it

The faith in me, the grace in me, and I don’t know if I can win it!

I was interested, interested with all of my heart

That bullshit you did teach me, now I swallow it hard,

I wrote so much, so much on paper but it turned into none

I wrote again with no use of brain and you called it number one!

I don’t know how long I can take it on soul

Each drop of blood staring me as if I got no goal,

But how can I stand in dark when I am born for light

I don’t know what will happen in life but I just know it’s bright!

you're my sweetest pain!

You have something strange in you or it’s me who is strange?

Millions of years after; I still fight you to change

I love the way you love me but I hate the way you hate

We’ll create history one day my love, if that’s written in my fate,

I cannot face the face who loves you more; neither can I when you do

You are the drop of water in the desolate desert and I won’t share you even if you’ll ask me to

I sit next to you on the bench of that haunted park

I know you’re petrified, that’s why I stand next to your eyes when the horror barks,

I might yell in public or I behave mad to you

But I never figured out why I feel hurt, when I kick you in blue

I know you know me more than I know myself

But can you tell me why I hate you when it is not rooted in thyself?

I know you feel protective when I like other friends

But amore you are the only one for whom I can die young not friends

You are the one whom I have hated daily but never more than I’d loved

This tale will never end and I can bet my life for this my beloved,

I am irate onto you because I care

Don’t behave with me that you were unaware

I wish I could hug you for long and with eyes onto you

But I donno if it’s possible, cause this is something outlandish in us two..!

Belle Dame!

On the land of an infinite fairy tales

She was born on flowers with cheeks so pale,

Years and months and hours are gone

'cause of the sad summer her grace is gone,

The beauty of my queen been admired more than rain

Her body and soul are made for love not for bloody pain,

She is a house of love but made up of sand

You can think of anything but cannot change her with your changing demand,

Brown of her eyes had been so desolate

Bold is her mind but heart still so delicate,

Coiled and long her hairs are bound with myrtle leaves

Green go fade if she cries with a song and sleeps,

Forgetting every fear the birds fly high in the sky

If my lady with a gentle look passeth by,

Falling water from a beautiful hill is no more in race

When her hand slipped in mine to travel life with smiling face,

“Stars are just some stolen lights,

Birth of hers has made earth bright!”

Black lie!

The sun was shine of death for her… she never tried to face the sky, epoch was the adversary that kept on passeth by… mirror she hated as she wanted to live with a lie.

Dead beat pale skin of hers, white ugly flesh… green aged eyes with no picture to blush. Torn lips burned with cigarettes… but that smile is still beautiful like her old secrets. Hideous grey dress her body kept wearing… day after day she suffered death that there will be no more suffering.

Breathing under wood with no more hopes of good… that rage was intolerable when she burned the holy books. She was living with the pieces of her little peace… admiring her beauty which was no more than lifeless leaves.  The eternal wait of salvation was terrible… she wanted to sleep for forever that she wasn’t able.

Life was the picture of a dull sky… night when she sleeps and sun when she cries. Dark gave her relief when she doesn’t need to crave… light was the misfortune, proves her no more brave.  She stood under moon hoping she will shine… but miserable it looked when she faces the reality in no time. But she was beautiful in her own; this might be the wrong time… and told the stars that you were never really mine.

The white beautiful dress she praised daily… in hope of wearing again at the church with her love Bily.  “Kate you look so beautiful” words she haven’t heard from ages… cried she on the grave giving flowers of roses.

Plants were dead, her garden was black… books were her passion, now houses for spider webs. Air was stale of her room full of bareness…she was the only one who still loves it with madness.

One day she cried, realization after years… mirror was the crime, for which she always had fears. She was the beauty queen, she dreamed that night… making millions mad, only for her one sight. She slept with the peace, which was never there… she ends on her beloved bed, which was gifted by the mayor.  

Sun is no more death for her grave… she now smiles and show she is brave

ANON!

You! I told you not to come again

Holding me high and making me insane;

I told you never tell me if you’re alive

Appearing in my dreams and fighting evil with knife.

Shine of the holy light is pain for my soul

You’re worst when you’re with me, drilling me like a hole;

I think I have made myself clear when I told you to go away

Still calling me like a retard and screaming that you’ll always stay.

I am standing naked in the crowd

What you want from me and what are you talking about? ;

Well! I know you been there for long

But murders are common you have to be strong.

You are scary, scary as hell

People raped you, now cut your veins somewhere else;

This devil in me is stronger and bigger than you

I don’t want you to wait till eternity, craving in blue.

You’re not an beautiful moon neither any shining star

My shadow is going through hell in this blind war;

Blood on my arms, can you see it?

‘Cause you were with me, so don’t be it.

I am tired of this psychedelic game

I don’t even want to call you; I hate your name;

I am not same in every mirror of life

I begged you to kill yourself LOVE or else am going to kill you with my grey knife. 

Why?

Stare was blocked to that bright orange pillow; it reminds me of the early days… how irritating that game was… when you splash orange peels in someone’s eyes… how easy it was to laugh that time… how easy it was to be careless. It seems like it haven’t changed… it seems like it was always the same, as sun still rises yellow n bright and sets with no change; but no! The picture has moved on … it was the beginning and now a long race toward end.

Every skin hold some marks of childhood; I remember my falls… I remember blue was my favorite ball. I remember how fearlessly I was riding my bicycle with friends and falls onto the gutter… so easy it was to cry that time… I remember how funny it was for others but never for a mother.

Playing in sand was one of the favorite games… falling in dirt and laughing like you hold the sky… nothing there was to feel shy.

That bond of friendship was soul to life… friendship was just from heart with no selfish lie... how easy it was to be selfless for friends… that ego never kicked on face when friend was angry… so easy it was to hug n apologies… so easy.

The truth was never so hard to follow… because morals were so pure not just for the sake to follow. To lie in front of those dangerous eyes of father was hard enough to swallow.  Time never was your master… plays on local street were endless until the mother calls.

Money was nothing more than a thing to buy candies… pennies were even huge asset… rich you felt with a piggy bank in hand. Your world was so polite and beautiful without any cruelty.

First love were dad n mom, no other bullshit… you followed them holding hands with full of bliss. The most serious worry was to find the pair of socks in morning; finding your lost books n copies.

Why every breath gives pain now? Why we were so genuine n so innocent at that part of life… and why can’t we be now? Why time has to move us here and world has to kill us there? Why your soul is just a mere breathing object and life is running on the traits of selfish animals. Why can’t you be friends with people like you did before? Why hiding everything from family is the only choice?

Why you are so mean to world and world is so mean to you?

SHE

That stone falls into the gutter, it’s funny when you feel sad that you have lost the thing you were playing all way… but she crossed the traffic and turned to left boulevard… walking under the damp sky, she gained back the memories of her dreams which constantly strokes out her heart. ‘A girl in white dress lying on white bed in white room…sleeping with pleasant face; a guy came slowly to her when she was deeply inhaling.. he jumped on her.. She screamed terribly like she never sensed anything like this in life.. She fought for life but she felt herself dying when he tore her down and humped her like animal.. sheet turned red between her legs.. he banged her and her face.. he left after making love with dead lady. They both appeared in that room again after they were lifeless; she realized they were dead… She screamed and felt appalled and found herself on the same bed with both of them standing in front of her.. She tremble and open her eyes’.. it was nothing more than delusion that left her in sweat..
This was not the only one that horrified her but she was suffering daily from those mind-numbing sensations, dreams and images. She came back to senses when she heard a loud horn from backside and she realizes she was in middle of the road. She gives him side and move again.
She don’t really know what she feel about all the sensations but she just never wanted to be scared of anything.. time passes and after many phrases of life she starting feeling alone..  She was whole lot into her novels and normal routine which she never enjoyed in life but it doesn’t seems to bother her now. She daily saw dreams, felt sensations, discussed it with few people but never did anything for salvage.
Time passed the same way for long and she started thinking that she has never thought enough of what she is doing in life… leaving people aside whom she always loved more than her, though it’s unethical for her to do that, and she know it was wrong but she did nothing for it and it didn’t even bothered her. Her typical daily routine wasn’t normal but it always does sound normal to her.
She realized a distance she'd made between her and her loved ones. She cried in pain but never consciously realized how much damage has been done. It wasn’t only about dreaming tragic but facing it subconsciously that she was becoming numb and insane day after day. That long stare on wall and finding nothing and behaving normal wasn’t normal enough to never come under people’s observation.
She slowly tried to cope up with the moving world. Somewhere missing her best friend but never tried to tell her how much she loved her, she was just confused of her own feelings of how to live a life. But she gained a bit strength and talked to her and told how much alone she feel and how much she is suffering from normal human tendency of jealousy when her only love is happy with others. Her friend laughed but she knew she was serious. They both cried without facing each other but precisely realizing the distance they had made between them but did nothing. She was under bulk of strange feelings about what she has to do with herself exactly but the thought process give her nothing.
She reaches home and smile when she remember those big trees at roadside.. they always give her smile.

Time is bane!

Half awake in the new morning, felt myself breathing

Long stare on deep green poster, felt my eyes melting,

I can’t feel my numb hands neither my mind

Thinking makes a better picture but I am feeling blind!

I dunno if am changing; mirror is showing the same

Am not calling myself; don’t I remember my name?

Same vulgar words I can taste on my tongue

On call with him I felt so young!

I hate to feel my past of life,

That negativity is worst that neck on knife,

Time is no hero for me

I have been patient to see what I wanted to see!

I rolled my hairs in a bun

Walked in an open sky to feel how much I am burnt,

I am living the life I always desired

But it’s too late and I am so tired!

I am losing the faith on my body

That pain is a burden making my soul unbloody,

I lay next to the door on the naked floor

To know what prints I have left on that long lasting spoor!

My lips move and shaped as smile

In this long life I felt love just for a while?

I was lying lifeless and insane

When I again realized Time is Bane!! 

Those Old Shoes...

I finally threw them, I threw them away... I don’t need them now, I went and walked under the sunshine.... so much of light cutting my veins under eye... but I walked further... I wanted to feel that heat on my skin, and that warm hug sun gave me! I walked for hours like I never had to come back, I left the dark... I finally left those pillows, under them I’d left my scary stories… I hid them all of my life... now no more!
I moved under the rain... I wanted to wash away all of my filthy truths, they belong to me no more... I got scared once... thought its blood all over me, but it was that colorful sky… I closed my eyes and felt drops over my eyes, I danced!
It was all new for me ‘cause I forgot this pure way of feeling happy, that open sky dropping water selflessly, that sound never was so pleasant, that smell of sand never grabbed my attention…, I was little scared by this new holy shine.. It was so positive for me to take but there was a shadow of hope which holds my both hands.
I’ve been all tired, all hopeless, and all sad, I’ve been the worst, I’ve been my own enemy but somehow I locked those doors. That smile I was smiling never was the same before… I did clean all dust, all drugs, all blood strains, and all black ink and did put colorful flowers there. They were beautiful but always been dreadful for me. The flowers I been with were all burnt… I didn’t even remember what real color they owe... they were just black for me as they told me this is how it is... they kept me under dark and I grew up there.
I fought with everything, everything that comes my way to come over madness... I took every beautiful thing I’ve ever had and packed them with me few hopes and ran away.
I left there all the fake love under those old shoes... I don’t need them now!!

But I ignored!

Making noise with my shoes, I was walking behind some known people in half senses.., I was so high..! That grave and the smoke, her birth and some hopes.., it was paining again! That green was covering me from all over and I thought it was trapping my soul; out of the blue a leaf fell on my shoulder.., all moldy and dead! I was losing my mind, I tripped, I walked, I smiled, I talked…, I heard some laughs and some silent words, it was me talking to oneself, my partially smoked cigarette reminds me of you, but I ignored you, you don’t deserve to be there..! I saw the green lake.., blocked for a while and did wonder; my life is blue?  Is it drowning? Or dead in deep? But I ignored because it wasn’t the right time and there was something erroneous! I covered miles with people but I thought only of me and no-one else, that wintry weather wind followed me and murmured something in my ear but I ignored! My hands slipped in pockets.., that trail turned everlasting and my lips were wearing that broken smile.., I looked up and saw that running sky, I remember how you ran away when I was howling for your love, for you to sustain, to feed, for your motherly role, I wanted to fight back but I ignored and turned numb because I knew that there was something wrong! I walked again.., followed those same foots.., there was one tree in path but before it could come across we turned left.., it was beautiful enough to grab my attention. I walked slowly so that I could see it for long from side..! I felt myself walking in the dark cave and thought when will I crawl out of it, someone will come and hold me in arms and kiss me and hug me and ask me what is wrong.., but I ignored because I knew there was something wrong! Wrong with me! 

I thought I knew who I was!

I was looking deep into his small brown eyes, they were all empty... nothing was pouring out of them. I made myself a bit nearer to him, he was barely making any interaction...he might be disgusted by the bundle of thoughts running into his dark sides. I was numb just like a broken piece of lifeless leaf… I sensed him breathing deeply, that sound of rubbing clothes to skin. I was at ease in his shadow, I broke that butchery silence, ‘can I touch you?’ he gazed deep into me... like it was so odd, he lean back a bit but I read his face, I thought i did… I touched his fist that’s where I embraced him for the first time... I rushed all my fingers and then hold him politely; he was nervous but trying to cover it with veil. I rubbed my hand over him and felt like am touching myself… caressed his clothes, smelled his flesh… I touched his neck and kept myself moving but he was just stunned and locked as he never knew what is going on… what I feel like. I moved my hand from his shoulder and made it to his hands... I grabbed them and let him hold me in his arms...he did…he hugged me tight that I rubbed my face into his... I was soothed there… we puffed together, he was holding me but I broke there in million little pieces... I was still like was paralyzed… my heart was hammering like there was flood of blood pouring onto him... I wanted to scream… I felt insanity in my soul... I was confused but I unheeded my inner voice… I was in the illusory world where I knew no one can see me… that peace was absorbing death from earth... I wanted to die there… but I came back to life when he brushed his lips on my face,, I didn’t knew if I know that I have to kiss him but I did… I felt like a defeated soul searching for moksha. His lips were seeding life in me... But I pushed him in agony of love… he was stunned there… he was trembled by this... he gazed me in rage, but I know he noticed that fire burning into my eyes… I was about to shatter but I looked away... I didn’t want myself to fall apart like a stone in front of him... I cannot have myself doing that... I would better cut myself...that was the first time in a while I wasn’t staring him. He wanted to know the intention...but I was lost in the world where I didn’t even keep ‘I’ with me. I walked back and told him I can’t stay... he was paranoid for a second but then he struggled to come out of aggression... he fought himself and tried to hold me.. Stop me and make me stay but I only know who I was that time... I ran away... that wasn’t me there...that’s the only thing knifed into my mind in that phase…  I ran away cause I can’t see it, can’t see myself like that. I thought that I knew who I was…!