Time is bane!

Half awake in the new morning, felt myself breathing

Long stare on deep green poster, felt my eyes melting,

I can’t feel my numb hands neither my mind

Thinking makes a better picture but I am feeling blind!

I dunno if am changing; mirror is showing the same

Am not calling myself; don’t I remember my name?

Same vulgar words I can taste on my tongue

On call with him I felt so young!

I hate to feel my past of life,

That negativity is worst that neck on knife,

Time is no hero for me

I have been patient to see what I wanted to see!

I rolled my hairs in a bun

Walked in an open sky to feel how much I am burnt,

I am living the life I always desired

But it’s too late and I am so tired!

I am losing the faith on my body

That pain is a burden making my soul unbloody,

I lay next to the door on the naked floor

To know what prints I have left on that long lasting spoor!

My lips move and shaped as smile

In this long life I felt love just for a while?

I was lying lifeless and insane

When I again realized Time is Bane!! 

Those Old Shoes...

I finally threw them, I threw them away... I don’t need them now, I went and walked under the sunshine.... so much of light cutting my veins under eye... but I walked further... I wanted to feel that heat on my skin, and that warm hug sun gave me! I walked for hours like I never had to come back, I left the dark... I finally left those pillows, under them I’d left my scary stories… I hid them all of my life... now no more!
I moved under the rain... I wanted to wash away all of my filthy truths, they belong to me no more... I got scared once... thought its blood all over me, but it was that colorful sky… I closed my eyes and felt drops over my eyes, I danced!
It was all new for me ‘cause I forgot this pure way of feeling happy, that open sky dropping water selflessly, that sound never was so pleasant, that smell of sand never grabbed my attention…, I was little scared by this new holy shine.. It was so positive for me to take but there was a shadow of hope which holds my both hands.
I’ve been all tired, all hopeless, and all sad, I’ve been the worst, I’ve been my own enemy but somehow I locked those doors. That smile I was smiling never was the same before… I did clean all dust, all drugs, all blood strains, and all black ink and did put colorful flowers there. They were beautiful but always been dreadful for me. The flowers I been with were all burnt… I didn’t even remember what real color they owe... they were just black for me as they told me this is how it is... they kept me under dark and I grew up there.
I fought with everything, everything that comes my way to come over madness... I took every beautiful thing I’ve ever had and packed them with me few hopes and ran away.
I left there all the fake love under those old shoes... I don’t need them now!!

But I ignored!

Making noise with my shoes, I was walking behind some known people in half senses.., I was so high..! That grave and the smoke, her birth and some hopes.., it was paining again! That green was covering me from all over and I thought it was trapping my soul; out of the blue a leaf fell on my shoulder.., all moldy and dead! I was losing my mind, I tripped, I walked, I smiled, I talked…, I heard some laughs and some silent words, it was me talking to oneself, my partially smoked cigarette reminds me of you, but I ignored you, you don’t deserve to be there..! I saw the green lake.., blocked for a while and did wonder; my life is blue?  Is it drowning? Or dead in deep? But I ignored because it wasn’t the right time and there was something erroneous! I covered miles with people but I thought only of me and no-one else, that wintry weather wind followed me and murmured something in my ear but I ignored! My hands slipped in pockets.., that trail turned everlasting and my lips were wearing that broken smile.., I looked up and saw that running sky, I remember how you ran away when I was howling for your love, for you to sustain, to feed, for your motherly role, I wanted to fight back but I ignored and turned numb because I knew that there was something wrong! I walked again.., followed those same foots.., there was one tree in path but before it could come across we turned left.., it was beautiful enough to grab my attention. I walked slowly so that I could see it for long from side..! I felt myself walking in the dark cave and thought when will I crawl out of it, someone will come and hold me in arms and kiss me and hug me and ask me what is wrong.., but I ignored because I knew there was something wrong! Wrong with me! 

I thought I knew who I was!

I was looking deep into his small brown eyes, they were all empty... nothing was pouring out of them. I made myself a bit nearer to him, he was barely making any interaction...he might be disgusted by the bundle of thoughts running into his dark sides. I was numb just like a broken piece of lifeless leaf… I sensed him breathing deeply, that sound of rubbing clothes to skin. I was at ease in his shadow, I broke that butchery silence, ‘can I touch you?’ he gazed deep into me... like it was so odd, he lean back a bit but I read his face, I thought i did… I touched his fist that’s where I embraced him for the first time... I rushed all my fingers and then hold him politely; he was nervous but trying to cover it with veil. I rubbed my hand over him and felt like am touching myself… caressed his clothes, smelled his flesh… I touched his neck and kept myself moving but he was just stunned and locked as he never knew what is going on… what I feel like. I moved my hand from his shoulder and made it to his hands... I grabbed them and let him hold me in his arms...he did…he hugged me tight that I rubbed my face into his... I was soothed there… we puffed together, he was holding me but I broke there in million little pieces... I was still like was paralyzed… my heart was hammering like there was flood of blood pouring onto him... I wanted to scream… I felt insanity in my soul... I was confused but I unheeded my inner voice… I was in the illusory world where I knew no one can see me… that peace was absorbing death from earth... I wanted to die there… but I came back to life when he brushed his lips on my face,, I didn’t knew if I know that I have to kiss him but I did… I felt like a defeated soul searching for moksha. His lips were seeding life in me... But I pushed him in agony of love… he was stunned there… he was trembled by this... he gazed me in rage, but I know he noticed that fire burning into my eyes… I was about to shatter but I looked away... I didn’t want myself to fall apart like a stone in front of him... I cannot have myself doing that... I would better cut myself...that was the first time in a while I wasn’t staring him. He wanted to know the intention...but I was lost in the world where I didn’t even keep ‘I’ with me. I walked back and told him I can’t stay... he was paranoid for a second but then he struggled to come out of aggression... he fought himself and tried to hold me.. Stop me and make me stay but I only know who I was that time... I ran away... that wasn’t me there...that’s the only thing knifed into my mind in that phase…  I ran away cause I can’t see it, can’t see myself like that. I thought that I knew who I was…!