And then I sat there for hours, not that I wanted to but
because I wasn't able to feel my feelings anymore... the only thing I could
feel was blood... blood raging in my brain over n over again. Like I was some deceased
body and that hustle of blood brought me back to senses every time.
I tried to think something, but I was wedged to nonbeing...
that numbness was so surreal that maybe my conscious would have felt scared but
no one was conscious there.. That dead drop silence was stabbing my ears like
that maddening echo of water droplet... like that echo of lizard in the dark...
like that echo of timepiece.
I have felt numbness earlier but certainly not like this
where I can’t even feel that I can’t feel. Then abruptly I feel something...
like thousands of eyes are scrutinizing me n I am in the center of them. Like
that bottomless black water hole in the middle of the ocean where you fight to
survive but sink instead.
I overlook that feeling slickly because I am connoisseur in
that. I move my hand down and rip off my clothes. I feel the wetness in between
my legs and start stroking myself. I like that sound and hotness and
wetness.... I pinch myself brutally so that I could feel the pain but I fail...
I knock some more mercilessly... I turn hotter n red n wet ... I begin to feel
pleased... my legs and veins become stiff... my hands pain... I feel the pain
but I don’t hold back... I stroke n rub n fondle myself more n more until I drew
blood on my hands... Then I pick up a wooden stick n stab it deep down until I
feel deaden with pain. With pleasure comes a beautiful pain and that’s all I
feel. I feel contented when I see blood running down through my legs... I
identify my feelings eventually.
