My Ill-Trait!

I nurture it deep down my heart, I don’t narrate its life but I wonder relentlessly. It grows in me... I don’t show it, but it does.

I thought I heard you calling my name, I thought I felt your hands over me but it was nothing more than a wave of my brain… My flesh over me pine for your warmth, like a child for his mother’s embrace… but you failed me, not once or twice but all the time.

 I am ridiculously reluctant to uncover your faults, maybe because I know you have too many, maybe I have become comfortable with how wrong you are and how foolish I am being. I don’t suffer but I have wounds all over me; I am not aware of how I got them… but I have them, they grow little by little and I notice them every day.

You are my bleakness, you are my aching failure, you don’t even acknowledge that know… I have no idea when I let you become my divine bastard.  I would love to hear your heavenly voice but all I hear is your echoed chatter from history.

I want you to lay a hand on me and give me that feeling of a sinful lover, I want you to open my bun and set my hair free, I want you to leave your smell over me for forever but, I ask nothing. Maybe if you’ll see me in this phase of self-indulgence, you will fall for me; but that’s not what I wish for.

You have become a blemish over my soul and I want to get liberated from everything that belongs to you, but I don’t know how… or maybe I just don’t desire to because I am afraid. Afraid of sheer isolation!

There is nothing in my life that is fed by you but I still long for you, I am sick of myself but I am afraid too. I have this feeling that if we’ll meet, everything will be reasonable; but I am scared… scared that you will be a ridiculous soul or a piece of disgust. Maybe that’s why I yearn for you but never meet.

You are nothing, nothing I would die for,

 It’s just I am foolish and you’re lucky!

And you tell me I am lucky?

They say I am lucky, they pretend they don’t need one, they act as if they are better off alone…

But I think they are resentful of what I have; I have a best friend!!

It’s a struggle, it’s a hard work to be keen on someone, its forgiveness, it’s a non-judgment game, it’s a party of two, it’s a fight beyond your zone, it’s about letting one in, it’s about importance, and also it’s about love.

 Maybe I am fortunate, but maybe it’s just that I love her and she loves me back, it’s not easy to feel complete with a same sex but it is a blissful negotiation, it’s neither your kinship nor it is natural for your subconscious. It’s a relationship that is literally complicated but a consistent reconciliation in the end.

It doesn’t matter if you are angry, you even hate her, you don’t want to see her, you can kill her, or you are extremely annoyed but when she will stand in front of you and roar her thoughts into your brain… You will have to understand; because that’s what it is all about… you can’t afford to lose her, she is beyond every single relationship you have ever had with anyone or anything. Because she’s your only ’stable state’ of mind.

When you fail in life, when you die a bit inside, when your words fail to portray you, when your pain is intolerable, when your dilemma is undying, when you’re at fault… you know where you have to go and you know what you need… But she won’t give you this chance, because she will come to you as you need her.

It is very hard to love someone when you know him really too well, but she does… she loves you and you love her. You tell her things you don't tell yourself, because you know when you will lose your mind and seek out answers; she will strike a chord about who you are.

Are you ready to get into this? It’s a lovely pain, it’s a constant drug, its serenity of psyche, its more than a love life… it’s a last piece of your puzzle, and it will become life… second after second and year after year.

And if you don’t feel the same, believe me; you are not best friends.

And if you say you don’t need this, believe me; you are scared and lying to yourself.

And if you say we are sick and you’re better off alone, believe me; you don’t deserve it neither you have an audacity.