In this last day_The 31st!

In this last day of the week, of the month and of the year… We shall dwell in love and peace!

In this last day…We must love and find ecstasy,

In this last day…We ought to hold the hands of our lovers and family and friends and announce our love,

It this last day…Let’s learn by heart the faces who left us and of those who were left by us,

In this last day…Why not let all the worries die, for a moment… just for a second,

In this last day…Let’s just breathe… and just sleep in your warm blanket in peace,

In this last day…Let’s just miss the Bollywood stars that breathed their last,

In this last day…Let’s not fight… Let’s just make it all right,

In this last day...we must celebrate, it’s neither diwali nor Holi nevertheless it is the last day of the year you lived through and survived,

In this last day…let’s just cuddle your dogs,

In this last day…let’s just hope for endurance,

In this last day…we must sing and dance and welcome the new day,

In this last day…let’s just rememorize the past… The exams, the graduation, the new life or the old one, the street dogs, the new friends or the old ones, the pizzas and fat, the run or marathon, the horror movie or t.v series, the lovers or family, the stranger or best friends, the lover or the past one, the tattoos or the photography, the teachers or the juniors or the seniors or the bosses or the colleagues or ANYONE OR ANYTHING.

LET’S JUST SMILE!

How moral we are!

Come on, let’s face it... we are not socially and politically accurate all the time… okay most of the time! But that doesn't mean we don’t respect the facts. Okay maybe we seriously don’t respect some facts but IT IS OKAY NOT BE MORAL!

My best friend I have been facing this serious disease of ‘moral phobia’, as we cannot really accept some facts. And the top most that runs in our blood is “Depression is a justified issue for all”

People are using this issue for a long time to cover their bullshit, I understand that some people are seriously into this because of the tragedy they had faced in life but I seriously can’t understand what is wrong with people who had breakups years ago and are still whining about it, and without wanting to move on. I have seen cases all around that this category of depressed people is lot more than actual ones. They don’t want to study further, they try to kill their selves but never really kill… they are short-tempered, anxious all the time and many more traumas they subconsciously fake. They make their life hell along with people related to them and what I see in them is they don’t even try to come out of it. There might be people who will think that I am rude or something but I am not talking about serious ones. I am talking about people who are still crying because their break-ups or something someone said to them in their child-hood.

I seriously don’t understand why they are making it a cliche and why people are supporting them. They want attention and you are providing them that. People cut their wrist to show their love. ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS? IS THIS HOW WE DO IT?

I have seen 5 seriously stupid cases in my life, and I can’t believe that those mother fuckers have made their parent’s life worst than hell. They are not studying, they are not earning, and they are doing nothing except mourning and attempting suicide for their lovers who don’t seem to find any fucks to give them.
FOR ME YOU ARE PSYCHO MOTHA FUCKAS!

Another fact is that people find it justified to do anything in the name of love, either it is for boyfriend/girlfriend, chacha/chachi, dada/dadi, or FAMILY!

They won’t study that, they won’t get married to him/her, and they won’t work, they will do what they hate to do etc. (NOTE: I AM TALKING ABOUT EXTREME STUPDITY, SO DON’T YOU DARE JUDGE ME)

Are you fuckers were born to be like this? For me they are just brainless pigs and cowards, they choose this easy path where they don’t have to fight for life and also because it is perfectly socially acceptable.
You don’t fight with your parents because you don’t want to disrespect them (as if hum to humesha maa papa ko gali deke hi baat karte hain) or you can’t leave your abusive boyfriend because he is abusive only because he love or care about you (  Accha ji! Hume to nahi pachta esa chutiyaap pyaar)

And then if you think I have any kind of sympathy for your shit then I am really sorry because “NOBODY AIN’T GOT TIME FOR THAT”

Another classic one, people tell me that you are lucky to have a family that accepts everything.
Excuse me? ARE YOU SERIOUS? My family is also an Indian one and they know how to kick my ass, it has never been easy for me to do what I want to do… I worked hard in making the connection between me and my family. I know how to console them… I am living my life as I want it to be that doesn’t mean I am a bitch or my parents are careless.
Some people even told me that I look like “south Delhi girls” or a foreigner, because my life style doesn’t match.
WHATTT???  WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN, matlab YOU MAD BRO?  ya to south Delhi ya foreigner? Baki sab Savi Savitri hain?

Last but not the least “DRAMA ON Racism”
Arey bhaiya I am not racist from heart when I identify Black, north eastern etc, by what we term them in Hindi. (If you know what I mean) I know we still have to work on that and we shouldn’t call them what we call them BUT KYA HOGYAAA FIRRR???
HOJATA HAI KABHI KABHI, REACT NA KIA KARO ZYADA. HAAN!

So I hate people who turn into LALA LAJTAP RAI, KI HAYE RAAM ESE NAHI BOLTE ETC!

*I guess I will have to come up with a 2^nd part of this article as meri Moral dilemma khatam nahi hui abhi*

Ultimate Victory of Life: Marriage!

I have plenty of spare time to eat brains these days, I have no idea what is up with me but I feel like debating more than I should. I call it debating whereas people's involvement is limited to listening and nodding, because they know I’ll 'Karate-Chop' them with my condemnation if they will reveal their thoughts.

So, the other day I was conversing about marriages with my friends who are absolutely aware of the fact that how much I loathe matrimony. As an Indian women we are born to leave the house, I said THE house because according to ancestors and social order it is not our house because we get/find OUR house after marriage! If only you know what I mean.  But what if I don’t want to get married? And can’t I just pay money for property? (Oh! Yah it signifies immense practicality and insensitivity).

It is just a small example about the scenario of marriages in India. There are many other things which are looped around marriages. Like if I think of getting inked, no that’s a huge demand... many of us can’t even do a job after graduating because their parents don’t want them to. But the point is, it is somewhat their fault that they don’t fight BUT the line of reasoning which kills it all is that WHY WE HAVE TO FIGHT FOR IT? Why can’t we just get it... why am I told by my parents that ‘do whatever you want to do after marriage? Is that getting married will give me a passport to wonderland where I will become a princess and everyone will just fold their hand and bow their heads for me. No not at all! Why every woman is obliged to follow what others want from/for them, WHAT DO THEY EXACTLY EXPECT FROM US?

A woman is born with a taunt that she is a woman; she is penalized with razor sharp eyes by everyone, whenever she tries to raise her voice. Is that’s what her identity is? A daughter and a wife?
Why we are artificially forced to get married so that we can get settled in life. What if I feel settled enough without getting married. I am not a handbag which is designed to be carried away by people; I am a human being who can raise children without getting married if she wants to...! Oh! I must have broken some social norm in my last line but CAN YOU STOP ME FROM DOING THAT? That’s a different issue that society will kill me with their gorgeous eyes and words.

I couldn't help but wonder why marriage is your ultimate end? I am not against marriages but only if one wanted to get married not because he/she is told to. I am not even saying I will never get married certainly but what I am saying is why there is any limit to that. Why can’t I get married at 40? Sorry I forgot its India, 21 is highly mature enough to get married here.

Anyways, it all goes with men too but they don’t suffer like women because they are not Women! We both parties are familiar with the taunts we bear in daily life. But apart from that my major question is that how can one become very sure about getting married? How would they realize that he/she is the one? I might sound immature to some people but reality is that most of us are never sure. They just like this idea of getting married or getting settled and then just getting trapped in it. And please don’t bring up the discussion of love marriages in front of me because only few of them are practical, others are just phases. Because I have fallen in love three times and that too sincerely!

My last statement about marriages is, why we are again artificially forced to get married like cartoons? Why can’t we just sign up papers and stay content, people who only sign on papers don't receive god’s affection but the Tom n Jerry show of two does???

HATERS GONNA HATE ME BUT PLEASE ASK YOURSELF! DO YOU SERIOUSLY ENJOY SITTING IN BETWEEN WEIRD PEOPLE, MANTRAS AND LOADS N LOADS OF THINGS ON YOUR HEAD?

All the lonely people!

I was listening to this song by Beatles_ Eleanor Rigby, which says

All the lonely people

Where do they all come from?

All the lonely people

Where do they all belong?

I was connecting myself to the words and the serene music but then in the end it left me wondering, I was lying on my bed like a frog on a lily pad but the different between the frog and me was I am not a frog, though I would’ve if I had any choice but as I am somewhat a reluctant human being, I have some duties in life. But I wonder what my duties are? What am I suppose to be or do or do not? And why the hell there is so much stress when there is really no stress because as a mature adult if I don’t have stress then surely I am doing something wrong. What are the answers?!!?

I speculate! Where I have to go? And who are those lonely people? I feel lonely almost every time but I love my state of solitary! But that is not the answer, who are they then? Is it me? But the fact of admitting will prove me a loner and which will be an edgy proof of me being weaker than others horrifies me strong enough to make me think that I am not the one. Maybe I am one of them and maybe we all are, we are not some special breed that is born out of some black-hole, off course we have family and friends but they are just like our clothes or shoes or pencils, they are our and they are with us but that can’t make us feel better about our loneliness because they are not what we always demand.

Then I was thinking who we really need or demand or want? Maybe a lover who is not like our mother but just a patriotic lover, who is not a psychopath like us but is a psychopath of his own style, because obviously we can’t survive with someone exactly like us but yes we want his intellectual and maturity level same as ours because dating an uncle makes you feel shit always and it is still a mystery why women date mature guys and men can deal with sweet sixteen no matter how stupid she is. No I am not insulting men but this is what I always wonder because I cannot imagine myself with someone younger than me. Anyways the point is who we really call for? Or do us really need them? Maybe it is just a burden of society and psychological effect of watching couples everywhere, yes maybe this is true… we don’t feel alone sitting in a park until we see bunch of happy couples! Yes I literally mean HAPPY couples because that’s what hurts the most, we are fine if they are bitchy or hate each other… because it somewhat gives us a sense of relief that “that is why I stay alone”, but if they are happy and having great romantic sexual life then it kills us somewhere.

But it’s not what always happens; most of us are still alone even when we are with someone… It’s a dialogue in one of my favorite show that for men ‘we’ is ‘me and my dick’ and that is sometimes true and what happens in man’s case is they try to understand their woman but always fail and always will because women really don’t know what they want.

But all of this never exactly tells me who the lonely people are? But eventually I understand I may not need the answer because to the some extent we all know who they are. Let’s not accept who they are but all of us know, because the truth is; many times people make us lonely and many people are lonely because of us. But it is fine to live in a delusion that we don’t know who they are as its satisfactory!!

We are all walking toward something, something which will end someday and we won’t be needing any answers then.

Eternalness!

Smoking...

Drenched in rain, watching your old cuts, thinking of your insane

Musing over the dream about your father’s death,

Craving over segregation you chose, but it was right? Wasn't it?

It was! But does that makes you happy? Does it? No!

Smoke up some more...

Chase pragmatism, right is the way, all alone you battle

For right you will fight, scared that alone you will die

But right was the way, wasn't it? You are tough and brave and aged and careful? Aren’t you?

You are! But is that permanent? Is it simple to encounter people, as it is lose? No!

Drag and hold up smoke in the chest...

Listening pearl jam, the words pierce through your every vein, but all you feel is void between the chests

You search every pocket, every road, every green, every wood, every black, every rain, every sky, every fire to unearth permanence,

But do you find it? Momentary is life then how will thou find it?

You will! But undying: is love; do you even have a piece of it? No!

Cough and smoke and defeat sanity...

No Blasphemy can stop you, you do what you do, and you devotedly face what you do,

Fight with millions for what is right, but can’t sleep at night,

Because all you see is tattoo of questions in your hand, about what is precise, do you know what is right?

You do, don’t you? Yes you do! But those questions always take a piece of your soul with them, don’t they?

They do! But you won’t change, you can’t change, you don’t want to change, will you? Can you? Want to? No!

Throws the cigarette butt!

Socha to tha!

Socha tha ki ab nahi sochungi, par ye bhi jaanti thi me esi hu nahi...
Raato ko ab to neend bhi aati hai, sajti bhi hu sishe k aage, kajal bhi me naya laayi thi..
Par me ab vesi lagti nahi, jo me dikhti thi vo hu nahi me...
Nikal jaati hu sunsan sadko pe shaanti dhundne, par daraati hai vo raahein mujhe...
Ki me isi shaanti me khatam na hojau ek din, akele hi to bitayi hai zindagi... kitani shaanti chahti hu or...
Ishq dhundhne se nahi milta kehte hain log, par apne aap bhi nahi milta ye humse behtar to kya hi janega koi...
Us din akele nikal gai thi ek gali me cigarette leke, socha shaanti milegi... par ehsas hua ki use ashaant me kabhi na thi...
Fir socha ki hota jo sath to kesa hota, koi pakadta mera hath or ishq se dekhta to kesa hota... koi karta mujhse bhi mithi batein, koi hota jo kehta ki hu me saath tere... par koi hota to kehta...
Kala rang bada pasand hai mujhe, kaash koi ho jisse rang pasand ho...
Socha tha ki ab nahi sochungi, par ishq mehsus kie bhi saalo guzar gae...
Kash mene soch lia hota!
 

Waqt Aane to do!

Fir mene kaha ki aane do... Daro mat! Aane do bas

Par khauf ne kisnki suni hai… lagta hi rehta hai… jesa pahaad ki chotti se niche jhakne me lag raha hai

Hum bhi jaante hain girenge nahi, par ladkhada sakte hain… upar se khade bhi to akele hain…

Barish bhi horahi hai, bach to tofaano se bhi gae the… teyaar hain aaj bhi…

Par hariyaali chodh k naye pathrile raste kisse pasand hain…

Par ab ruk bhi nahi sakte, waqt badal raha hai… nayi zindagi aane vali hai..

Kese bol de use ki mat aa… bulana to padegi hi… zindagi jo meri apni hai,

Akele jeena hota to shayad naa bulate, ye duniya bhi to mann k andar jhank rahi hain…

Jese puch rahi ho ki kya chahte ho? Badna hai ya nahi? Jeena chahte ho?

Par kya jawaab du jab khud se wakkif nahi hu…!

Paav jaama nahi paye hain abhi, nayi zameen pe fislan hai thodi…

Par sambhal jaenge shayad, mann ko bhi kya samjhae… ab thaka hua sa hai

Ab samjhana bhi chod dia hai, par uski thakavat kam nahi hoti… shayad bhatka rehta hai

Sambhlna bhool gaya hai… salo beet gae par lagta hai gehri neend nahi soya,

Mene to koshish ki use samjhane ki… par kehta hai ab or kuch liya nahi jata..

Par fir mene kaha aane do… daro mat… jo arha hai, aane do bas!!!!

The Capture!

“You don't make a photograph just with a camera. You bring to the act of photography all the pictures you have seen, the books you have read, the music you have heard, the people you have loved.” 
― Ansel Adams

COME FIND ME!!!!

Come, find me. If I am to be found...

Lost in the translation of intuitive dreams to oblivion...

Do I always have to say it? The ridiculousness of psyche.

Better escape to wander more from self-recognition

Waiting under the invented serene tree, for becoming comfortable in discomfort...

Violent, cruel, pitiless, brutal, sadistic... INSENSITIVITY!

Are you coming? I can kill you... maybe no, but yes! I hate to be found.

I didn’t know what I was doing, neither do I know now and I hate to explicate too.

Who you are to me? I won’t talk to you... you say things I don’t say to myself.

I look beautiful when I go out, but so ugly too... you know how I hide that undercoat of blood? No you don’t! How can you... I don’t talk to you... I think I have beaten you in this game, maybe no. But I don’t care.

Don’t you dare come near me? I am trying to find peace or maybe no I am not. But I don’t want your fucking peaceful words of sanguinity. GO FUCK YOURSELF you peace of filth.

I command you to never impel me to reveal my demon... I suppress it because I like to over-rule it.

Your fucking sanity gives the impression of being insane to me... I don’t want to confess my anguish... I don’t even want to confess that I don’t want to confess. STAY AWAY!

Your concern over my potential rub up the wrong in me... I go madder or maybe maddest within self. I become immoral than you can ever even think of. I won’t admit that you know me; I hate you and your fucking sweet God like understanding.

Biting nails unpleasantly and even the pink soft skin till I realised I am eating my own self. I know you want me to realise that. BUT SHUT THE FUCK UP! I WILL DO THAT, MAYBE NEVER OR MAYBE SOMEDAY; BUT I DON’T KNOW WHEN. AND DON’T EVEN THINK OF ASKING ME.

I am trying to behave wise... I think for moments I realise it... The conscious and sub-conscious meet for moments but for how long I wonder. WHAT IF IT WON’T BE LONG AND I WILL LOOSE EVERYTHING AGAIN? Is that’s what you crave? Because you don’t have a fucking idea of how fucking scared I am or maybe I am not... I’ll think about it. But there is something which stops me, AND I DON’T KNOW WHAT IT IS!!!

Don’t try to talk to me and fondle me with your care... I DON’T NEED LOVE; I DON’T NEED YOUR SYMPATHY. WHY CAN’T YOU JUST STAY NORMAL? Or even if you stay normal I don’t give a fuck. I JUST HATE YOU.YOU BETTER NOT EXIST. But that’s not in your hands, that’s why I IGNORE YOU!   

But I guess I know what you want... but why don’t you understand it’s not easy or maybe if you do then why don’t you help me the way I want you to. I know I scare you and repress you and hold you deep back inside and make you numb BUT YOU ARE ME.

 You can’t lose. YOU JUST CAN’T LOSE!

I think I am just a thought! Not a reality. I have to meet myself. I don’t know when but I will. I WILL MEET YOU! TRY TO FIND ME. I ALLOW YOU DEMON! COME FIND ME. I FEEL ASTRAY!

I feel!

And then I sat there for hours, not that I wanted to but because I wasn't able to feel my feelings anymore... the only thing I could feel was blood... blood raging in my brain over n over again. Like I was some deceased body and that hustle of blood brought me back to senses every time.

I tried to think something, but I was wedged to nonbeing... that numbness was so surreal that maybe my conscious would have felt scared but no one was conscious there.. That dead drop silence was stabbing my ears like that maddening echo of water droplet... like that echo of lizard in the dark... like that echo of timepiece.

I have felt numbness earlier but certainly not like this where I can’t even feel that I can’t feel. Then abruptly I feel something... like thousands of eyes are scrutinizing me n I am in the center of them. Like that bottomless black water hole in the middle of the ocean where you fight to survive but sink instead.

I overlook that feeling slickly because I am connoisseur in that. I move my hand down and rip off my clothes. I feel the wetness in between my legs and start stroking myself. I like that sound and hotness and wetness.... I pinch myself brutally so that I could feel the pain but I fail... I knock some more mercilessly... I turn hotter n red n wet ... I begin to feel pleased... my legs and veins become stiff... my hands pain... I feel the pain but I don’t hold back... I stroke n rub n fondle myself more n more until I drew blood on my hands... Then I pick up a wooden stick n stab it deep down until I feel deaden with pain. With pleasure comes a beautiful pain and that’s all I feel. I feel contented when I see blood running down through my legs... I identify my feelings eventually. 

Jaante hai hum bhi!

Ese tabaah hue bethe the jese maut cchu k nikal gai ho, mayusi itani ki jese kabrr par paav padne se pehle hi billi rasta kaat gai ho, hare nahi the puri tarah… par jeet bhi nahi paa rahe the… itani mushkil nahi zindagi hum bhi jaante the, sabke kandhe pe dukho ki bori hai hum bhi jaante the… par aaj us macchaan pe bethe the jahan mehnat haar jaati hai… Hazaro sapne dekhe bethe the hum bhi sabki tarah… par ek sapne ki aag dil me jalae bethe the, par duniya valo ki kya btae_chale aaye uspe bhi gangajal chidakne.

Jante hai hum bhi ki mana lenge is baar bhi khud ko… ek haar or jud jaegi jama-khatte me… jee hi lenge is baar bhi jese ajtak jeete aaye hain… lekin ye haar ka darr bhi to badi bhayank chiz hai, jab lagta hai to raat ka intezaar nahi karta… or fir har baar ye dukh cchupaya bhi to nahi jata; aansu to chupa lenge… bacchpan se chupate aaye hain… par is dafa haarna nahi chahte… bharose k saath saath jaan bhi nikal jaegi. Bas isilie bethe hain is tarah…!!

Us khidki se..

Us khidki se dhoop aya karti thi, aaj bhi aati hai par ab chubhti hai.. raat ko soye the chadar se lipat k, socha tha k naya sawera milega… jab aankhe khuli to paya vahi kaali raat hai abhi… na janne kya dekha tha un aankon ne, bheegi hui thi halki si.. us chaand ko dekha to kuch keh raha tha.. uski vo roshni kuch kehna chahti thi.. jese bta rahi ho ki har raat me ek roshni hoti hai.. har zindagi me khushi hoti hai. Tum chaho to bas raat hi samjho.. magar  tum chaho to roshni bhi dikhegi.., har karvat ek ehsaas dila rahi thi,.. jese sab kuch aata jata rahega safar me fir dheere dheere gehri neend bhi aaegi. Takiya naram tha.. sukoon sa mil raha tha.. jese vo raat itani lambi hojae ki sukoon na jaee… ankhon me ek yaad dabbi thi,, hoth bhi to muskura rahe the… shayad mann dheere dheere shaant horaha tha.. waqt guzra or ehsaas sa hua ki jese gehre paani me kho gae ho.. itana gehra ki mann vapis nahi ana chahta ho.. vahi doob jae bas us sukoon me..!!

Cogito!

When you sit beneath a shady yellow light with a book in your hands and thinking about the story it tells you… have you ever though how lucky free man you are who taste different worlds sitting at one place with so many determinations to create own world one day.  So full of enthusiasm but lying on floor purely thinking and staring things like a fool. Watching ants passing with food and saying hi to every ant they meet on their way… seems so very interesting. I wonder sometimes where they are going… they come from nowhere and end up nowhere. But that’s how it works… people also come from nowhere and meet us, say hi… drag stones of life with us… some drag them for long time whereas some for short. Some perhaps fall in gutter in-between because they disappear like they were never there.

It’s quite fascinating how we get excited about a great movie but never wonder how our own life is a movie itself since childhood to end… isn't it the longest movie? And the most interesting?

 I wonder how stupid I was as kid… and how stupid we think our young ones is now… that’s why our parents laugh on us… when we tell them we are mature enough.  I guess we are never grown till the day we die. We are a character who is born to learn and grow daily.

I wonder sometimes… that everybody is an artist in himself. Everyone sketches stuff on books, some on desks they sit, some on sand, and some just imagine clouds or walls as figures. Everybody stare their favorite food like a dog… everybody dance In front of mirror and think they are the best… everybody is suffering with some kind of psychological madness, everybody is trying to prove his existence worth something.. Aren't we all the same? I guess we are! We just come from different places.

We are all running… we all are… sometimes we know where to run but mostly we don’t. We run with all our abilities like an ant to show that we got something and we’ll do something bigger than we have ever done. We’ll carry food heavier than our own weigh and we’ll try not to die under it. We have started running with the crowd… but we’ll end up reaching our own destination.

I wonder sometimes that everybody if doesn't do everything I do; for sure wonder like me. Because this is how it works. We all pause to wonder and stand rapt in awe.

ME and I

Am I a winner or a loser…? I can witness no calm in me but I have seen them crying…  In this game of love and shame I am so tired that I can’t even sense it. I am benevolent for them but I keen to see them crying… my mind is the master and I chase the devil with grace… he will kill you before you try to make him puny…  don’t try to recognize this fire… you’ll be surrounded by flames… respect him and you can reside.

I sing love songs, I hold your hand, I kiss your lips and thus your neck… I tell you I am devil… I will smash you into dark… I’ll lock you in a room and beat you to hell but don’t leave me… maybe this is how I am or maybe I want to show you my history of where I have been… maybe I want you to smell my walls of blood… maybe I want you to hear my screams inherited in the floor... i'll might tie you in that old black chair with a chain but don’t just leave… I want to give you a chance to know who I am… maybe I’ll show you everything I had… maybe I’ll show you I didn’t choose me. Don’t just leave me. 

My devil threaten me all through this… he commands me to kill you before you throw a knife, but I believe you… I believe that you won’t… he throws fire on me and make me numb… he torture me so that I won’t feel anything… but I don’t know why I feel he is always precise, I don’t know why I feel defensible  in being miserable… for being stuck… maybe he loves me… he can’t see me pathetically weak… I owe him everything… he atleast love me… my devil in me.

I know a woman… I like her smell… she smells like me or maybe I smell like her… she know me from the ages of darkness… she was there always but never near… maybe she wasn’t faulty… maybe she wasn’t late or maybe I was in hurry to see how sunset break… she forgot to tell me what to be and I became what I had to be later she told me what I should be but I was grown enough to turn back and be. I hate her devil and she hates mine… when she love me… she leaves me desolated and when she doesn’t she leaves me the same. I don’t know what is wrong and what is right between us… I just know I can’t leave her neither she can leave me.  

I am devillious and live alone but I am happy because I don’t know how not to be… my master teach me well. He is really hard on me… he beats me… he is all cruel on me but he never leaves my side… he know what I want or maybe he doesn’t…. maybe he is just stuck being a devil… but when he holds my hand and walk with me… I feel tough and that’s what he wants from me… I may have lost every game but I have won respect.

                

FREEDOM OVER PEACE!

Wake up half dead, spill some water, put on the make up                            

Run like a crab, doesn't like the sun, little bit shake up

Waste some hours, place to learn, smoke some weed

Hate, run behind crowd, veins rip open and bleed!                  

Doesn't like the mirror, terrible old scars, haunting past

Love someone; feel like a heartless monster, it won’t last

Crave it, ask for it, cry for it, get it, and then leave it

Alone again, nudity sexless, cut blood, quit!

Walk on road, crush old leaves, they are dead

You will be, be benevolent on soul and bury your old thread

Nothing lasts, don’t worry, nothing ever will

You deserve prominence, don’t crave, but you will!

Bold you fight, bright as light, sharp as knife

But live in dark, lonesome never spark, live dual life

Give love, give respect, patience test, and get nothing

Calm down, life rules, patience test, karma care for cunning!

Run, you run faster, to escape happiness

Wait, taste it, you will like it, but you are full of madness

Pray to birds, because they fly free, fall on knees

Hold your lovers hand and opt FREEDOM OVER PEACE!

Silent!

You wander with the blindness when the moon light isn’t enough… you can turn on the yellow bulb but you prefer the dark… you are frightened by the truth but you know that you have to see it… you walk in grief and then stand at the corner with smoke in your hand… you feel the drag deep within your chest, and then see it getting vanished in the deep blue sky… stars are beautiful… they leave you wondering about the lost stars of your life… and you feel indifferent with your own self.  You always favored not to wrap up anything and left things with partial thoughts… because that’s easy… decisions are complex.  Those never spoken words are so intense for your chest that you throw them aside and surrender in front of your shadow and become unsympathetic. But in the end of all you decide to do nothing and sit down silent.

When reality is so hard to take and imaginations are very fake… when happiness is only drugs and music… when craving for love becomes the oldest pain… when things are wrong and worst is yet to greet… when you can taste the bitterness on your tongue and you feel pain in your heart but tell no one… when sleep is no more your friend and pain of friendship doesn’t let you sleep… in the end of all you decide to do nothing and sit down silent.     

You see burned ropes that were once there to tied up your life together. You feel deadened and miss your old person who now lives in pieces…  who is now conscious of his unconsciousness and do nothing… He wish to change but cannot help being immutable. Out of the blue he laughs on God… how easy it is blame him, how easy it is to deny his whole existence, how easy it is to even laugh on him but then you laugh on yourself… how easily you escape yourself, how easy it was to fall and crawl and then give up, how easy it was for you to lose everything you were holding on from decades, how easy it was to be None… how easy it was to be soulless. But in the end of all you decide to do nothing and sit down silent.

You Foolish moral!

Don’t walk away… there is so much left to watch… the world is burning by the fire of your spirit… there is this soulless shine everywhere, sharp-edged light crossing through your eye balls and you are sitting in the dark… you are not fighting it, you are not ready but yes so confused… evils call your name… they are searching for you… they call your name so they can feed you again… with raw meat and mournful hopelessness. But god is not your savoir  he failed you every time you called him for the sake of your virtuous human… all you heard was his laugh… he mock on your face and tells you the truth about your illusionary reality. You failed to assume everything… you thought it’s painless to live…you were the fool when you didn’t understand the wicked smiles… you were the whore of innocence when you didn’t ripped your clothes off… you were the foolish of all when you didn’t notice when they sucked your blood in the name of love… why you did close your eyes on their faults… why you wonder? Why you cry? Why you cannot sleep and still wonders why? You are the foolish heart. You expected the peace of mind but you don’t know the way because you have always chosen wrong… you stupid heart! You never did learn how to see… you never believed your evil… He was always right… if this is what love gave you; you should burn under his feet… how much you will wait for good? How much you will to crave?  Don’t you remember when you laughed on fate? You moral creature! Who desire you? What world ever gave you? And what do you think you ever gave the world… you thought love is what they all need… you remember they laughed on your sins and cut out your tongue and now you got nothing to say. They tempt you to stay silent but you screamed… you desired the light of Holy Spirit on your soul for all that you have done… but they left you like a lonesome dead soul who craves for flames of salvation. You wished to dance like a colorful flower with partial rays of sun on it… but you forgot about the evil human who plucked you for no reason.

But don’t try to escape… this world won’t let you do that too… don’t try to walk away… there is so much left to watch…! 

Achilles' heel!

 I fear from the fear of falling

Nobody can envision that I feel like crawling

I wait for long all nights to be asleep

‘Cause that’s when the haunt never weeps,

You met my monster that night on bed

When I was hungry for more and your blood was red

I desired you never but what else was left

I will pour your blood on devil’s head,

That dream was scary and I had no where left to go

I come back home where I never wanted to grow

The love they loved me never was my love

I never wanted to feel the Mourning dove,

My Deity died when he tried for me

Scars of sickness killed every piece of peace in me

To look good naked I pet perfection

I don’t want anyone to think even of rejection,

I feel pleased under the blanket of horror

What else can be the safest corner?

You name ‘love’ and I will show you how to escape

Because love always endures brutal rape…!